Loud friend could ruin family visit

Dear Annie: My husband and I are friends with another couple in our neighborhood. The majority of the time, we get along well. We have even traveled together.

The problem is, “Susie” is very loud and an extremely poor conversationalist. She dominates the get-togethers by talking about nonsense, and she constantly repeats herself. She interrupts everyone’s conversations with, “Oh, I’ve done that,” and off she goes about herself. Susie’s husband doesn’t seem bothered by this, but it drives me nuts. My husband also doesn’t like it.

We have out-of-town family visiting soon and these neighbors have invited themselves over. How do I tell them they aren’t welcome because we don’t want them to have to tolerate Susie’s bad behavior? I see my family infrequently and we don’t want to be uncomfortable with the relatives in our own home. − Frustrated Friendship

Dear Frustrated: There is nothing wrong with telling Susie and her husband that you want to spend some private time with your family. Should they drop by uninvited, you can introduce them and let them say hello, but then nicely usher them out, telling Susie that you will visit with them when you are less occupied with family members. But please don’t assume that your relatives will find Susie as annoying as you do. For a brief visit, she could be perfectly tolerable. The trick is to keep it extremely short.

Dear Annie: I was saddened and upset by the letter from “Angry Sis,” whose brother “John” stopped speaking to his 83-year-old mother after she asked him to testify against his abusive stepfather. “Sis” asked whether she had to invite John to Mom’s funeral when she died. Her letter showed a lack of empathy and understanding for victims of childhood sexual abuse.

Mom brought the pedophile stepfather into the family. John’s attitude may stem from the anger he rightfully feels toward his mother for her failure to protect him. When one parent is an active abuser and the other one fails to protect, the children are left in painful circumstances. They often excuse the “passive” parent and project them as another victim of the abuser because they cannot bear to see the truth. Sis, too, may be directing her anger at John instead of her mother.

Whenever abuse is present, it creates a toxic situation for the family. I hope that Sis will seek therapy because she was also a victim. It can help her feel empathy for herself as well as John, and lessen her anger. It is important for Sis to know she can accept Mom’s failure to provide a safe home for her children and still continue to love and be loved by Mom. I sincerely pray that she may be the catalyst to help this family heal while Mom is still alive. − S.

Dear S.: Many readers weighed in on this letter, saying that Sis did not quite comprehend the level of John’s own trauma and possible anger after having been abused as a child, especially when Mom went to court to protect his half-brother, but didn’t do the same for him. We, too, hope she can help the family heal.

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar were longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailboxcreators.com, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, in care of Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.