Ask Mr. Dad: Supporting Mr. New Guy

Dear Mr. Dad: I just heard that my ex-wife is moving in with her boyfriend. We’ve been divorced for nearly two years and she wasn’t cheating on me, but I’m furious. Plus, I’m worried about how this is going to affect my kids and my relationship with them. Why am I so upset, and what do you suggest that I do?

A: Discovering that your former wife is having sex with someone else brings up a whole flurry of strong and sometimes-unexpected emotions, regardless of how long ago your marriage ended. Here’s what’s going on:

You’re confronting reality. When your ex moves in with someone else (or even starts actively dating), it’s hard to deny that your relationship with her has ended. It also ends any fantasies you may have had that the two of you will reconcile.

You’re curious. I think it’s basic human nature in these situations to wonder about the new guy. Love your ex or hate her, you’ll probably be curious about where the two of them go and what they do.

She may be moving in with the world’s biggest moron, and she may dump him and start dating moron number two next week, but none of that is any of your business, and you can’t do anything about it anyway.

You’re insecure. When my ex and her boyfriend moved in together, my biggest fear was that I’d be pushed out of my children’s life and my relationship with them would suffer. I was almost in tears whenever I thought that some other guy would be taking my kids to the park, making pancakes for them on the weekends, reading them bedtime stories, being a role model for them, or that they’d go running to him instead of me if they were scared or hurt. Almost every divorced dad I’ve ever spoken with has had the same fears – especially if they weren’t able to see their kids as often as they’d like.

A perfectly natural reaction would be to try to undermine your children’s relationship with the new guy by badmouthing him. Don’t.

You’ll be jealous. In the not too distant future, you’ll be hanging out with your kids, and they’ll start telling you about the great time they had with the new guy and how cool he is. That’s going to hurt. A lot. And they’ll pour more salt in the wound by telling you that he’s taller than you, tells better jokes than you or that he got tickets to the Super Bowl.

It’ll be really hard, but keep in mind that children love to talk about the cool things in their life, and they’re not deliberately causing you pain.

Don’t overreact. You’re their dad and you don’t need to show up the new guy: That tells your kids that you’re insecure (you may be, but keep it to yourself). Instead, encourage them to keep talking – but don’t pepper them with questions. You may not be aware, but they’re worried about their relationship with you, and they need to know that liking someone you’re not very fond of won’t affect your love for them.

You’ll get some payback. The good news is that your kids are telling the new guy about how amazing you are and that he’ll never be their daddy because they’ve already got the best one ever. That’s going to hurt him. And knowing that might just bring a smile to your face.

Read Armin Brott’s blog at www.DadSoup.com, follow him on Twitter, @mrdad.