Doug Clark: The livin’ is easy under Avista’s new streetlights

Thank God Avista wasn’t around some 2,000 years ago.

The Three Wise Men would have never found baby Jesus.

WISE MAN 1 – “I see it!

WISE MAN 2 – “The Star in the East?”

WISE MAN 1 – “Gotta be. Look how bright that sucker is.”

WISE MAN 3 – “Naw. Keep looking. That’s just one of Avista’s Super Nova streetlamps.”

In the latest attempt to annoy the hell out of ratepayers, the power czars are installing 3,000 new LED fright lights from Spokane’s South Hill to Deer Park to Colfax and assorted burgs in between.

Our evening streets will soon be lit up like CenturyLink Field on game night, and that’s only the beginning.

In a few years there reportedly will be 30,000 of these babies shining brighter than your last eye-squinting dental exam.

Invading space aliens will finally have that target they’ve been looking for.

I don’t want to exaggerate.

These lights are really no worse than staring directly into the sun.

Plus, there are benefits, like being able to use the penetrating glare for an outdoor porn shoot or an archeological dig.

If you don’t burn your retinas, you’ll be able see details you may not even want to see.

“Why, hello Mrs. Johnson. I see your appendix scar’s healing nicely.”

The old nightlights put out a friendly amber glow.

The new lights turn everything whiter than a Klan rally.

But the LEDs are efficient and more economical and, hey, who cares about ever seeing the stars again, right?

I’ve always suspected that Avista has a secret Aggravation Committee that is constantly looking for innovative ways to stick it to us.

Like when the company gave away all those curlicue light bulbs.

It felt like Christmas until someone pointed out that the bulbs weren’t actually free and might poison you if you broke one.

And how about those ratepayer report cards that make you feel like crap because of all the energy you’re wasting?

Now Avista wants to turn the night into High Noon on the Gobi.

The Spokane Police Department is on board with the harsh lights, but that’s no surprise. Cops can now conduct a lineup on practically any street corner.

“Number 4 step back. Number 5, please step forward.”

Bet Rachel Dolezal hates the lights.

They’d make her look way too Caucasian.

The other night I looked out a window. I was shocked to see the street running past my home was glowing like a Hollywood premiere.

What have I done to deserve a fancy new streetlamp?

Oh, I know. It’s probably a reward for all those thoughtful essays I’ve written about Avista over the years.

Aw, why fight it? Thursday night, I headed to the street to work on my John Boehner tan.

I wore a pair of shorts, flip-flops and the tropical Mickey Mouse shirt my son, Ben, sent me from Disneyland.

I set up a folding lawn chair directly under the brilliance. Then I fixed a drink on the rocks in my vintage Don Ho glass, adding a pink flamingo swizzle stick for a touch of class.

For safety’s sake, I put on sunglasses and covered my nose with a white coat of zinc oxide.

My pal Charlie Schmidt came over to take a few snapshots of me soaking up the nocturnal radiance.

“October-time, and the livin’ is eee-zeee.”

Thank you, Avista. Thank you for showing us The Light.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.