The Slice: If we could talk to the animals

What can we learn from the Spokane area’s squirrels and crows?

I thought I would find out. So I put a few questions to representatives of each species.

I can’t be sure about my translations. But I did my best.

The Slice: What sort of winter are we in for?

Crow: It depends. Will you be outdoors the whole time?

The Slice: What do you think about studded tires?

Squirrel: When you can’t remember to look both ways, the style of the tire doesn’t really matter.

The Slice: Why don’t we see more magpies near the center of town?

Crow: It’s a Sharks vs. Jets thing.

The Slice: Do you always remember a buried stash?

Squirrel: Remember a what?

The Slice: Do animals feel any sort of North/South rivalry?

Crow: That’s more of a raccoon thing.

The Slice: How much wood should homeowners have gathered before November?

Squirrel: How many pounds of fat do you have in reserve?

The Slice: Do you like human children?

Crow: To eat? I prefer a burrito.

The Slice: Do you have any relatives in Seattle?

Squirrel: Oh, yes. Want to hear about their expensive new sweaters? Sheesh.

The Slice: Did your ancestors pass along anything about what it was like living here hundreds of years ago when it was just your kind and the native people?

Crow: Apparently there were fewer SUVs, but about the same number of snow plows.

The Slice: Do you ever associate with marmots?

Squirrel: Not if I can help it. I just don’t get the fascination with engine hoses.

The Slice: Do you like to be thought of as a spiritual presence?

Crow: What? Do I look like a head case? You have me confused with a raven.

The Slice: What could people do to make your life easier?

Squirrel: Stop asking questions and let me get back to leaping and bounding.

Warm-up question: Have you had a visitor from a part of the country not overrun by turkeys express astonishment at the sight of poultry parades in the middle of town?

Today’s Slice question: What do you do with books you own after reading them?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Spokane Valley’s Bobby Williams had already flunked her road test when she drove back to the licensing office, with the examiner seated next to her, and accidentally crashed into the building.