Miss Manners: Participation feels required at concerts

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does etiquette say about performers demanding audience participation at rock, folk and children’s performances? I understand that this would not happen at the symphony.

I escorted two children to a singer-songwriter’s performance, for which we were charged a small fee, and found that the artist was not only asking, but demanding that all of the adults present sing along and do various hand and arm motions at her command. This seemed like a more severe version of what happens at some larger rock venues, when an artist may call out a question, and then demand a louder answer if it is given too softly the first time.

At the children’s performance, the problem was exacerbated by the fact that the singer-songwriter made threats to expose anyone who declined to participate.

Does etiquette give an artist such total authority over an audience? Is there a way out for anyone who wishes to sit (or stand, as appropriate) in the back, listening quietly, particularly if one is merely there to accompany young children?

I didn’t want to force the children to leave, nor did I want to be singled out for attack by the performer, so I obeyed her commands, but I wonder if Miss Manners could provide me with an alternative if something similar should happen in the future.

GENTLE READER: Do not be too confident that you will not be asked to do this at the symphony. The interactive concept has spread, keeping pace with the decline in general ability to pay quiet attention to others, even those whom one has paid to be of interest.

Whatever the venue, you are not required to participate — you are the audience, not the performer — but Miss Manners suggests you attempt to look amused and distracted rather than resentful or sulky. The latter will only encourage the performer to redouble his efforts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son has started a successful nonprofit and, naturally, I am very proud of him and the work he is doing. At events, many other guests involved in his work will come up to me and tell me how much they admire him and often add, “You must be so proud of him.”

To respond, “Yes, I am,” sounds to me like I am bragging. On the other hand, I don’t want to dismiss the work he is doing or make it seem insignificant. I am very new at this public arena. What is a proper response that recognizes his accomplishments in a humble manner?

GENTLE READER: In the case you mention, it would be odd not to express your pride in your son. What you must avoid is interpreting the guest’s statement as an open-ended invitation.

Think back to when your son was a toddler. He charmed the guest who read him a bedtime story when he enthusiastically asked for an encore. By the fourth repetition, the guest was looking longingly at the door.

When invited to praise your own progeny — be he or she a toddler, a teenager or an adult — Miss Manners allows one response — one anecdote, one picture, one comment. And then remember that you have outgrown the days when “Again!” could be forgiven as a developmental stage.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)