Arrow-right Camera
The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Partner, pal plan coffee without mate

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After watching my son’s high school musical, my partner and I chatted with various parents. While waiting for him, I unexpectedly saw my friend Jenny, whom I hadn’t seen in a while. She has had some difficult times, and I gave her a hug and told her I was glad to see her.

My partner, Lauren, who is better at small talk than I am, spoke to Jenny. I wasn’t sure how to participate in the conversation, so I left and chatted with another friend.

When that conversation ended, I went over to see Jenny and Lauren still talking. I stood near Lauren for maybe 30 seconds. I didn’t participate in the conversation and remained listening. Jenny then said to Lauren, “Let’s go out and have coffee and talk sometime.”

I was not included in the offer. I felt dissed, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to sound petty. I was hurt, though. I wondered if because Jenny is straight, and straight women usually hang out with female partners of their friends, it was just a straight woman not thinking about a female partner.

However, what about Lauren? I was mad she didn’t bring me into that offer to go out. Such as, “We haven’t seen you in a while, Jenny, and we’d love to get together for coffee.” I was more annoyed with Lauren. What’s your viewpoint, and was it best to say nothing? How should I have handled it?

GENTLE READER: Just as you did. Although Miss Manners concurs it was rude to not acknowledge your presence – and Jenny could have waited to extend the invitation to Lauren out of earshot – the fact the two wanted to have coffee on their own was not an etiquette transgression. Couples are allowed to have their own friends – and inviting a couple out together is not a requirement.

Further, Lauren was not the one issuing the invitation, so the onus wasn’t on her to include you. Since it bothered you, however, you could have said cheerfully, “Perhaps while you two are having coffee, your husband and I could get to know one another” – as long as it was done with (virtually) no implication of threat.