Doug Clark: Avista report card a waste of energy, smiley faces

Pay attention, everybody. I have great news regarding what we can all do in order to ace our next Avista “Home Energy Report” card.

Die.

No. No. Avista doesn’t want all of us to drop dead.

That would be horrible for the, um, bottom line. The more ratepayers the better – that’s the Avista motto.

But dying, as it turns out, can lead to significant reductions in your energy needs. Enough to get you the word “GREAT” on your Avista report card, in fact, plus two smiley faces.

You heard me. Two smiley faces!

I found all this out last week after opening two Avista report cards that arrived in the mail.

One was for the unoccupied Clark homestead that belonged to my sweet mom, who passed away in April.

“You used 16% less electricity than your efficient neighbors,” complimented the card.

My mother would’ve been so happy to hear this!

The other report card was for my address, which is about five or six blocks away from where I grew up.

No smiley smiles for Doug.

No congratulatory verbiage, either.

My card reminded me of the grim report cards I used to get back in high school.

Avista informed me that I had gobbled up “8% more electricity” than my neighbors.

Not the green-bar, eco-minded energy-efficient neighbors, either. Apparently I’m a bigger energy hog than even the despicable, regular energy hogs.

And not only that. In the past year I apparently “used 58% more electricity” than the Boeing factory.

I am so ashamed, although I don’t know why.

Avista is in the energy-selling business, right? Wouldn’t it make more sense for such a company to save the high marks for its conspicuous consumers?

They should be throwing a party for a wattage waster like me.

That’s not the way the world works anymore, of course.

So for self-esteem reasons, I usually toss my Avista report cards away with the junk mail magazine subscriptions and discounts on my next cremation.

My brother Dave and I spent all summer trying to get our old home cleaned out and ready for sale.

Needless to say, the energy needs at the original Clark house are reduced. I canceled the cable and threw away the archaic TVs. Nobody’s cooking or taking showers. The furnace is off. Few lights have been on …

Hmm. I just had the craziest thought.

Do you think unplugging the refrigerator would get me three smiley faces on the next energy report card?

Probably not, but a guy can dream, can’t he?

ON SUNDAY I joined a nefarious gang at the Bing and gave retiring KREM-2 News anchor Randy Shaw a farewell roast.

Ever the diva, Shaw is dragging out his exit until mid-September.

Which gives you viewers a rare opportunity to watch one of Shaw’s final newscasts while singing the parody song I sang for him at his roast.

“Oh, Randy,” it’s called.

(Sung to the tune of Barry Manilow’s “Mandy.”)

HERE it is your special night.

Just because The End’s in sight.

Dragged us all in here,

To say we adore you.

Made us rent tuxedos,

So now we abhor you.

•

You got screwed at KHQ,

Auctioned off to Channel 2.

Gave it your best,

Your heart and soul.

But most of us never,

Got past that mole – Oh, Randy,

Every night you just wouldn’t stop talking.

Nearly drove us insane,

Oh, Randy, maybe someday we’ll miss all your squawking.

If we’re high on cocaine.

•

Where’s a has-been go from here?

Shopping for Depends and beer.

Baking in the sun,

Down in Arizona.

Meanwhile all your friends

Will forget to phone ya – Oh, Randy,

No more car wrecks or bad Nielsen ratings

To keep you awake.

Oh, Randy, no more running off quick to the bathroom

During commercial breaks.

•

Oh, Randy,

No more Tom’s Turkey Drives in November.

No chitchats with Jane.

Oh, Randy,

How’s it feel to watch 32 years now,

Just flushed down the drain?

Oh, Randy …