Daughter’s family won’t leave home

Dear Annie: My 31-year-old daughter, her boyfriend and my 13-year-old granddaughter have lived with my husband and me for the past 10 years. I never thought they would stay this long.

My daughter, “Tina,” asked whether her boyfriend could live with us for two weeks until his car was fixed after a hit-and-run accident. We said OK. Big mistake. When the car was repaired, we heard all kinds of excuses why he couldn’t leave.

We didn’t make a big effort to push him out because he was polite and he loved Tina and her child (by someone else who was not in the child’s life). He became a surrogate father.

Everything worked well until Tina started to pick on me and point out my faults. Slowly our relationship began to erode. Tina doesn’t have a job, so she stays at home to care for her child. I have leukemia and cannot work. So we are both at home all day.

Now my patience is gone, and I feel like a stranger in my home. My husband tells me to give her time and she’ll come around. This doesn’t seem likely. I’m hurt and depressed. The boyfriend doesn’t make enough money to support them in a place of their own, and Tina refuses to look for a job. They have no responsibility here, so why would they leave?

I’m seeing a therapist, but it seems like a bandage for my problem at my home. Do you have any suggestions? – Can’t See the Forest for the Trees

Dear Forest: It is often difficult to have grown children living with you when there are no clear-cut boundaries and rules in place. It fosters resentment and misunderstandings.

Please discuss with your therapist whether a heart-to-heart with your daughter and her boyfriend would be beneficial, or whether your daughter might attend a session with you.