The Slice: As tears go by

Today The Slice presents the transcript of an exclusive interview with the Spokane native who can’t seem to stop crying.

You won’t believe what this person had to say.

Q: So what’s got you down?

A: I’m afraid there has been a misunderstanding. I’m experiencing symptoms of seasonal allergies. I am not crying.

Q: Sure, sure. Watery eyes. I get it. Have you just been through a bad break-up?

A: No. Tree pollen does this to me every year.

Q: Is it something in the news? Heaven knows, there’s enough there to make anyone cry. Have you tried numbing yourself to the horrors of how we treat each other? Or averting your eyes?

A: What? No. It’s allergies, I’m telling you. People ask me if I have tried shots. I guess they think allergy shots magically make the problem go away. Not true.

Q: Do you keep thinking of one of those fundraising commercials about abused or abandoned children or animals? Is that it?

A: No. But I know what you mean. Remember that one with Sarah McLachlan? The one with “Angel” playing in the background? Man, that wrecked me. But no. My watery eyes are a sign of spring.

Q: Is it for Spokane that you weep? Some of these issues with city government are not exactly new, you know. Buck up, for Pete’s sake.

A: No, it’s not that. As I’ve said. My glistening eyes have something to do with the release of histamines.

Q: Or maybe you watched “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” for the 40th time last night and you can’t stop thinking about that ending where George Peppard and Audrey Hepburn kiss in the rain with the wet cat tucked up snug between them?

A: Love that scene. “Moon River.” My huckleberry friend. But no, that’s not it.

Q: Is it something you are not comfortable talking about? Did you thoughtlessly hurt the feelings of someone near and dear, and now you are filled with self-recrimination and remorse?

A: Allergies. A-l-l-e-r-g-i-e-s.

Q: Right. Well, try to cheer up. Life has a way of presenting us with little spirits-lifting gifts, if we are open to receiving them. Besides, someone who seems to be happy all the time is either crazy or in denial. Right?

A: Whatever you say.

Today’s Slice question: Where does disdaining other people’s enthusiasms rank on the list of Spokane’s favorite forms of recreation?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Chances are, I could eat more artichoke hearts than you.