Couch Slouch: How to beat the Warriors

So can these 73-9 Golden State Warriors be vanquished this postseason? Of course they can. Heck, Oscar Robertson would tell you that a starting five of Kevin Hart, Justin Bieber, Queen Latifah, Salami from “The White Shadow” and The Big O himself could knock them off in six games.

I have watched perhaps 50 Warriors games this season; between the Splash Brothers and my two dogs, I have little time for anything else. Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One (And Then Some), believes my Warriors devotion has helped our marriage – partly because it puts me in a better mood, partly because she has to spend less time with me.

Anyway, I stand here today – actually, I’m sitting, with Yuengling in hand; man, this Yuengling performs at about as high a level as my Warriors do – ready and able to give readers a Golden State tutorial:

Nobody wants to say it, but I will: Luke Walton ought to be coaching this team. Walton was 39-4 this season in Steve Kerr’s absence; Kerr then returned and was 34-5. Uh, 39-4 is better than 34-5, folks. If Walton were coaching the Warriors all season, they would’ve gone at least 74-8, maybe 75-7. Heck, with Kerr back in charge, the Warriors lost to the Lakers – the Lakers!

Nobody wants to say it, but I will (part two): The Splash Brothers are nepotism’s children. There are about two-dozen current NBAers whose fathers also played in the league. It’s all about connections, people. You think Stephen Curry gets drafted if Dell Curry’s not his dad? You think Klay Thompson gets drafted if Mychal Thompson’s not his dad? Tori Spelling and Sofia Coppola know exactly what I’m talking about.

Let us take a moment out to discuss the wonder that is Draymond Green. When you play on the same team as the league MVP, you can be overlooked a bit – this is known as Scottie Pippen Syndrome. But how can one overlook a fella averaging 14.0 points, 7.4 assists and 9.5 rebounds a game this season? Second in the NBA in triple-doubles and 16th in double-doubles, Green also was seventh in assists, 13th in rebounding, 23rd in blocked shots and 26th in steals. He makes the Energizer Bunny look like Br’er Rabbit.

(Column Intermission: Let’s not forget the San Antonio Spurs, who just had their 17th straight 50-win season. Gregg Popovich not only can win with his guys against your guys or your guys against his guys, but he also can win with any five guys sitting in Five Guys.)

I’m going to tell you something about Warriors reserve Marreese Speights and you’re not going to believe me. The stats say he is shooting 43.2 percent, but I have not seen Speights miss a shot. Even if my memory is faulty, I guarantee you he hasn’t missed his first shot of a game all season. It’s amazing – he comes in, they find him for an open 18-footer and he nails it. Every time. And I thought he was in the D-League.

I hate to weigh knee-deep into the immigration issue, but… If INS did a quick sweep of Oracle Arena in Oakland, Leandro Barbosa, Andrew Bogut, Festus Ezeli and Anderson Varejao would be on a slow boat to China by Friday. Plus Thompson’s father Mychal, I believe, was born in the Bahamas; with the right man in the White House, Klay might be out of the USA ASAP, too.

Sooner or later, somebody’s gotta get physical with these Cirque du Soleil freaks. Why are these clowns running the floor free as can be? Put a body, or two, on the Splash Brothers. If nothing else, take a page out of Lance Stephenson’s book and blow into somebody’s ear. Geez, when Curry comes into the paint, they treat him like he’s the Good Humor man handing out chocolate éclair bars. Don’t let him slither to the rack; KNOCK HIM ON HIS SCRAWNY BUTT. And when he gets up, knock him down again, or at least step on his right ankle.

If the Warriors don’t win this NBA title, it definitely will diminish their record-breaking season. The New England Patriots, you may recall, were 16-0 in 2007 but lost Super Bowl 42; so 16-0 became “so what?” Golden State must finish the job, and finish it right. If moments after we put a man on the moon Neil Armstrong had dumped toxic waste into one of its craters – and, trust me, America’s capable of this – the whole “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” business would’ve been tarnished.

So how can the Warriors be conquered? Just triple-team Steph Curry. How hard can that be?

Ask The Slouch

Q. In last week’s column, you claimed to be 3-for-3 in marriage proposals, but isn’t a more significant number your 1-2 record after exchanging vows? (Kim Hemphill; South Riding, Virginia)

A. If this is your way of applying to be my personal publicist, I think we’ll take a look at some other applicants.

Q. Can Johnny Manziel really go out and party and have success? (Rick Shannon; Corpus Cristi, Texas)

A. It worked for F. Scott Fitzgerald, Babe Ruth and Dionysus.

Q. I saw that Kobe Bryant had four assists in his final game. Does it count as an assist when a teammate forcibly takes the ball away from him? (Jeff Hazle; Woodbridge, Virginia)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You, too, can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!