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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Ask Mr. Dad: Sometimes tickling is anything but funny

Armin Brott

Dear Mr. Dad: In one of your columns a few months ago, you responded to a new dad who wasn’t feeling terribly connected to his baby. Your advice was realistic and sensible, except for one thing: toward the end of your answer, you recommended that he tickle his baby. Tickling can sometimes become cruel, especially with toddlers and older children. There are other ways to have fun with a baby and make him or her smile.

A: I have to admit that your email surprised me. I’d never thought for a second that tickling was anything but fun for kids. But after several other readers wrote in with the same basic comment, I took a look at the soft underbelly of the tickling-industrial complex and, joking aside, you make a very good point – one that I think is important to share.

Let’s start with a little history. Some anthropologists believe that tickling is nature’s way of encouraging parents to interact with their babies. Most of us would agree that giggling babies are a lot more enjoyable to be around than crying ones. Others believe that our responses to tickling are self-protective. The areas that tend to be the most ticklish (underarms, stomach, bottoms of the feet) are extremely sensitive. The self-defense theory may explain why our instinctive reaction to being tickled is to push away whatever’s tickling us, whether that’s a human attacker or just a nasty insect.

So what’s wrong with tickling? Well, like anything else, in moderation it’s usually not a big deal. The problem is that the tickler and ticklee often don’t agree on the definition of “moderation.” In the tickler’s defense, we tend to interpret children’s laughter as an indication that they’re happy with what’s going on. But with tickling, the laughter that’s being produced is a physiological reaction to touch and may have very little to do with actual enjoyment.

And that’s where things start getting dicey. Most of us can remember a time (or more than one) when we were tickled well beyond the point when it had stopped being fun. And we can also remember the frightening feelings of helplessness and being out of control when we couldn’t get the tickler (or ticklers) to stop, either because they refused or because we were gasping so hard that we simply couldn’t get the words out of our mouth. Helplessness and fear can turn to humiliation and shame when the tickled child has an accident or bursts into tears. Unwanted tickling tells kids that (a) bigger people have the right to touch littler people whenever and however the please, and (b) that little people have to go along with whatever bigger people want them to do.

The solution? It’s a two-step process.

First, put her in charge of the “when.” Let the child ask you to tickle. If you’d like to do some tickling, ask first. Either way, it’s her call.

Second, put him in charge of the “how long.” Have him come up with a safe word or gesture that means “We’re done.” That could be an attempt to roll away, or a firm “Stop.” And pay attention to his signals. Every minute or two, take a break and ask your child whether he wants to continue, even if he hasn’t done or said anything to get you to stop. The paying-attention-to-signs piece of this is especially important with infants who have neither the vocabulary nor the physical ability to indicate that they’ve had enough. They can start fussing or crying, though. And that’s a pretty big hint that you should stop. Now.

Read Armin Brott’s blog at www.DadSoup.com or follow him on Twitter, @mrdad.