Pete O’Brien: Boomers should think twice about trying today’s pot

The stereotype of baby boomers is that our youth was all about sex, drugs and rock ’n roll. The truth is that for many of us, it was more like student body council, A&W root beer and The Carpenters.

“Born to Be Wild”? More like “Born to Wear a Pale Yellow Tux to the Junior Prom.”

The closest I came to counterculture in high school was when I scored free tickets to see Ozzie Osborne and Black Sabbath in the old Coliseum. The behavior of the concert crowd shocked me so much that I went to confession every week for a month.

So the legalization of marijuana has created a dilemma. It’s legal, so I guess it’s OK to try it. But will I end up like those guys from Mercer Island in my dorm who got stoned every night and flunked out of WSU? What if my co-workers find out? Will I get fired if I don’t pass a drug test?

Many of you might be asking the same questions. Perhaps the following stories of older citizens (all educated professionals) might help you decide whether you want to fire up a fatty.

Laura cleaned her sick step-sister’s kitchen for her, and shortly thereafter experienced dizziness, nausea, anxiety, and a rapid pulse. She couldn’t follow simple conversations. Based on her age, Laura feared she was having a stroke or a heart attack. In the ambulance on the way to the emergency room, her sister’s caregiver called Laura, asking if she had eaten any of the cookies from the refrigerator. Why yes, she had. Turns out those were medicinal cookies. After a three-hour nap and a mixing bowl of Frosted Flakes, Laura felt “a little dizzy and extremely relaxed.”

Bert decided to try smoking pot while camping. After a glass of Jack Daniels to build up his courage, Bert took a few puffs, but without much effect. So he inhaled about three fourths of the joint. Suddenly he couldn’t stand upright. When his wife asked him a question, he couldn’t tell if he had answered out loud or just thought to himself. He almost fell in the campfire. He remembers thinking, “This is exactly what I was afraid would happen.” After he threw up, he called it a night. Later, after consulting with his “dealer,” Bert figured out he had smoked enough to get six or seven snowboarders high.

Joe and Dianne had separate but very similar experiences with medicinal brownies. Eat a little, wait, eat a little, wait, with no discernible effects. Joe’s brownie hit him suddenly when he rose from the recliner: he had a huge “rush” and was overwhelmed by a combination of motion sickness, nausea, hot flashes, and disorientation. He literally had to crawl up the stairs. He spent a surreal night in bed, feeling every individual thread of the sheets on his toes, having paranoid dreams, and trying not to puke. Dianne went to bed feeling fine, but woke up three hours later having bizarre dreams.

You might think stories like this cannot be a common occurrence. However, consider this: three of these four episodes involved members of my immediate family. So, if you’re feeling the need to relax and you’re old enough to remember watching black-and-white TV, my advice is just say no. You would be better off going for a leisurely walk, drinking some mint tea, and listening to your Anne Murray records. And for God’s sake, stay away from the Frosted Flakes.

Writers note: All four of the “stoners” described above are school teachers, with over 100 years combined experience. To protect them from embarrassing conversations with their students, I have used pseudonyms.

Pete O’Brien is a high school chemistry teacher and a big Gordon Lightfoot fan.