She feels only loneliness in 40-year marriage

Dear Annie: All of my life, I’ve heard about the “golden years.” Why are mine only black and gray?

I have been married to my husband for 40 years. He has not been sexually capable for half that time. I understand that, but he also does not want to kiss me, hold me, talk to me, go to bed with me or get up in the morning with me. He puts his arm around my shoulders only in church. Everyone in town considers him “Mr. Nice Guy.” He takes care of widows, single women, the older gentleman he works with and our daughter and grandchildren – particularly the oldest grandson and our only granddaughter. He doesn’t pay much attention to our son.

I have retired twice but being ignored has hurt so much that I have gone back to work again. I have begged him to talk with me, but he’d rather watch TV. Everyone wants to be special at some time in his or her life, Annie, and I am almost suicidal. I want out. It hurts so much to not be loved that I would prefer to live alone. It’s painful to sit and read, hoping that he will notice me. I know that not all men are like this. I have been faithful, sharing and supportive for all of these years. I have never asked him for anything. What can I do except to play solitaire and cry? – A.

Dear A.: Has your husband always been like this? His lack of affection does not necessarily mean that he doesn’t love you. But if he does, he obviously doesn’t know how to express it and seems unwilling to learn. No one deserves to be so unhappy for the rest of her life. We know this sounds like a broken record, but counseling will help you. Tell your husband you need to find out whether the marriage is worth saving. Explain exactly why you are ready to leave. Ask him to go with you for counseling to work on the problem, but if he refuses, go alone.