Guests can move when hopes not met

Wed., June 29, 2016

By Judith Martin and Nicholas Ivor Martin Universal Uclick

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a host’s obligation to warn a guest when things won’t be as the guest expects?

For example: We were going to get a mattress but we didn’t, so here’s the floor.

Or: By the way, I didn’t tell you that I have three roommates, each of whom has two guests, for the one bathroom we share.

Or: The guest bathroom doesn’t work, but feel free to use the one in our bedroom (with the aggressive dog that barks loudly if you walk in there at 3 a.m.).

For one offer, I asked about this beforehand, joking that if they had four kids and eight cats, I’d get a room. But if you are already there, is it rude to suggest you would prefer to stay somewhere else, and how do you do this without giving offense?

GENTLE READER: Hosts who do not provide accessible bathrooms to overnight guests run risks that Miss Manners would rather not contemplate.

A guest may say: “Thank you so much. I completely understand. Rather than inconvenience everyone, we are happy to stay at the hotel down the road.” But there is still the risk the host will take offense. The decision to decamp should therefore be balanced against the severity of the inconvenience.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father just passed away Wednesday and was buried Saturday. I was sick all week from the flu and did not attend.

My family is upset and giving me a hard time about it, saying I should have gone and just sat in back away from everyone. I say I should not have gone and spread germs to the people attending.

Who is correct? What do I say to my family and friends who question why I did not go?

GENTLE READER: There are a number of things that, while perhaps true, you should definitely not say. Being on death’s door yourself is an excellent reason not to attend.

But anything less will be heard, by those looking to criticize, as a variation on, “I didn’t feel up to it.” Your family and friends will then naturally wonder if there is any time that one actually wants to attend a funeral. Your only correct response to your family is, “It broke my heart that I wasn’t able to go.”