Couch Slouch reveals catastrophic problems with the NHL

It is time for Couch Slouch’s annual state-of-the-NHL address – delivered, well, not quite annually but every several years, depending on mood – in which we assess the health of the only major North American professional sports league that struggles almost as much as Major League Soccer.

Don’t kill the messenger-on-skates, folks, but I’ve got to tell you – the NHL is not in the best of places right now. Heck, from my front door it’s just 13 miles to drive to an NHL arena, but I’m more likely to walk 1,300 miles to get a Five Guys burger.

At the moment, the NHL has more warts than a warthog.

Let’s begin with the unthinkable:

It appears likely that no Canadian team will make the NHL playoffs. This is unthinkable. There are currently seven Canadian teams, most steeped in tradition. It’s their game, their heritage. And NONE OF THEM is headed to the postseason?

This would be the equivalent of no U.S. contestants making the final cut of “The Biggest Loser.” Or no Kardashians showing up on the season premiere of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

So with only U.S. teams making the playoffs, one might surmise that U.S. interest in the NHL is teeming. Uh, not exactly.

For starters, the NHL’s primary U.S. television carrier is NBC Sports Network, known more colloquially as NBCSN or “Huh, What’s That?”

NBCSN largely features two elements – paid programming and unpaid programming.

Here is a sample of a recent NBCSN midday two-hour programming block: “Saltwater Experience,” “Bass 2 Billfish,” “Sweetwater” and “Destination: Baja Sur.”

Here is a sample of a recent NBCSN midnight two-hour programming block: “Track Tech,” “Detroit Muscle,” “XTreme Off Road” and “Engine Power.”

So they’ve got you covered if you’ve got a rod and reel or rack-and-pinion steering.

Over at ESPN – former home of the NHL – the league is such an afterthought, the espn.com website doesn’t even give it a spot on its homepage. The NHL is relegated to the “Other” tab, a link that takes you to the likes of the CFL, rugby, cricket, esports, poker and the NHL.

Speaking of which, the other day at Hollywood Park Casino in Los Angeles, I conducted an informal poll. I asked 10 poker players (nine men, one woman) how many nicknames they knew of the following eight NHL franchises – Arizona, Carolina, Columbus, Florida, Minnesota, Nashville, Ottawa and Tampa Bay.

One person got all eight correct and another got five of them right. Nobody else knew more than three, and three of the 10 surveyed did not know a single nickname of the eight teams mentioned.

(FYI: I had a cheat sheet to remind me of the correct answers.)

Admittedly, this isn’t scientific – and I don’t enjoy the weight, gravitas and depth of data mining that Nate Silver and his FiveThirtyEight Geek Squad has at its disposal – but this indicates to even a simple-minded imbecile as myself that the NHL’s lack of broad appeal crosses all party and demographic lines.

The NFL plays games in Europe and Mexico to try to expand the game globally; the NHL plays games outdoors to let people know that hockey is played in their city.

Meanwhile, the NHL has three other problems it refuses to address:

Two points for a win, no points for a loss, one point for an overtime loss. Frankly, it would make more sense to base a points system on the Pythagorean theorem.

The Eastern Conference has 16 teams, the Western Conference has 14 teams. This is uneven; best I can tell, if you shift a team from the East to the West, it would be even.

Three 20-minute periods creates two intermissions. I’ve been saying it for years, to no avail – that’s one intermission too many.

On the other hand, there is good news on one front – the revamped 3-on-3 NHL All-Star Game format was a hit, particularly contrasted to the completely unspeakable, completely unwatchable flag-football NFL Pro Bowl.

Incidentally, 1.6 million viewers tuned in to the NHL All-Star Game and 8 million took in the Pro Bowl.

Ask The Slouch

Q. How would your college transcript compare with a one-and-done player? (Curtis Bare; Charlottesville, Va.)

A. Well, as a 5½-year-and-barely-done graduate of the University of Maryland, I guess the biggest difference that comes to mind is that my transcript would include courses I actually attended.

Q. If Duke’s Grayson Allen trips yet another opponent, will he have to pay royalties to the Beatles for their song “Day Tripper?” (Ron Colter; Alexandria, Va.)

A. Actually, he would automatically qualify for Donald Trump’s security detail.

Q. Recently astronomers claim to have found a ninth planet way out there. Is this where the NCAA’s fairness and integrity committee holds its clandestine enforcement meetings? (Jim Hayes; Haymarket, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!