Annie’s Mailbox: Uncle must break nephew’s promise

The writers of “Annie’s Mailbox” are on vacation this week. The following column is adapted from a 2009 column.

Dear Annie: I am a 38-year-old single man with a serious problem involving my 13-year-old nephew, “Hayden.” Hayden’s father died when he was 3, and I stepped in as a surrogate parent. We share a close, affectionate relationship, and he has spent the night at my house on numerous occasions. There was never a problem until a month ago.

During a sleepover, I awoke to find Hayden had crawled into my bed and was attempting to perform a sex act on me. I immediately stopped him, and we spent the rest of the evening discussing what happened. He confessed he was attracted to men and had been obsessed with having an intimate homosexual encounter since he was 11. He thought I would be receptive to it because I always give him a hug and kiss when I see him. I have been doing this since he was a toddler, and there was never anything remotely sexual about it.

Hayden admitted he has had a few sexual encounters with a 16-year-old male neighbor. I was stunned. I explained to Hayden that a sexual relationship between us was not possible, and it was dangerous to be looking for that with any adult. He seemed sorry and begged me not to tell his mother. I agreed, but now regret that promise. I worry he might seek an encounter with someone who may not have his best interests in mind.

Do I break my promise and tell my sister? Or do I handle this myself, and if so, how? – Louisville Uncle

Dear Uncle: You have handled this well so far. However, at some point you will need to break that promise, so first arm yourself with information. Contact PFLAG (pflag.org) and encourage Hayden to do the same. Like any teenager, he should understand the emotional and physical risks of becoming sexually active, and he needs guidance.