Saying ‘please’ is plain polite

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why must one say “please” with “May I have a glass of water?” It sounds like begging; it is begging. If I said “pretty please,” you’d know that was begging.

I’ve always told my kids, “Don’t say ‘please,’ but always say ‘thank you.’” Another child’s mom makes them say please, and I say, “Tell her mom that you were not aware you had to beg for water.” Of course, they say please, just to get on with it.

When people say “please” to me, I always respond, “You do not need to say please.”

“It’s polite,” they say. It may be polite, but it’s still begging. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: That it is a good thing for your children that they have the sense to disobey you about this. You are trying to deny them an extremely simple way to avoid annoying others. “Please” is simply the conventional term for softening requests to indicate that one is not just ordering people around.

But Miss Manners is in total agreement with you that begging, on the part of those who are not in dire need, is abhorrent and unfortunately prevalent in today’s society. So, have you forbidden your children to announce what they would like to be given in the way of presents? Have you taught them never to try to solicit funds for luxuries for themselves?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This year, my mother has told us exactly what she wants for Mother’s Day.

I think that what to do is our decision, and that kind actions have no meaning if the giver was told by the receiver to do as such. We are insecure about this particular difference of opinion.

GENTLE READER: It is not just children who need to understand that asking people to give them things is a form of begging.

Understanding that peace in the family is a consideration, Miss Manners suggests you sit down with your mother and tell her you actually enjoy thinking of ways to please her, and would appreciate some general guidelines of what she likes so in the future you may do a better job of it.