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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Miss Manners: ‘Honorary hostess’ short for bill payer

By Judith Martin and Jacobina Martin Universal Uclick

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A stranger, who is a friend of a co-worker of my husband’s, called to invite me to be an honorary hostess for the couple’s engagement party.

The caller told me I was to pay a certain dollar amount to help with expenses and to be a greeter. And bring a gift.

I said I would call back. I spoke with my husband and asked what to do. Although I had lost my job, we decided to go along with the request.

Is there a pleasant way to back out of such a request without hurting my husband’s reputation?

GENTLE READER: An “honorary hostess”? As in, we’ll give you a title and hope that you don’t notice we are just saddling you with the bill?

You can still back out by saying: “I am so honored you asked, but I don’t feel as if I know the couple well enough to help host their party. Perhaps after we do get to know them better, my husband and I could discuss with them another type of celebration that might be pleasing to all of us.” Perhaps by their fifth anniversary, they will have stricken your name from the list.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been married to my husband for four years. Not only do I have a strong relationship with my in-laws, but they get along well with my lesbian mother, her wife and their child.

It came as a great shock last week when my mother-in-law mentioned LGBT folks are “abnormal” and gay couples shouldn’t have children.

She apologized by saying she didn’t intend to hurt my feelings, but now I’m concerned about family gatherings. Should I avoid inviting them to the same events? Or should I just pretend it didn’t happen?

GENTLE READER: Surely your husband is the one to point out to his mother if LGBT people shouldn’t have children, he might not have his wife.

Of course the “But I didn’t mean you, dear” defense is unacceptable. Miss Manners suggests this could be hastened along by your husband saying you both no longer feel right about subjecting your family to her prejudices, and will miss her at future family events.