Doug Clark: Trump, Clinton, Sanders? Take the nausea quiz

Tuesday at 8 p.m. is the final moment to effectively participate in Washington’s primary election although I’d rather eat a bowl of live spiders rather than cast my ballot.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Er, voting, that is. Not arachnid munching.

In order to take part in the Washington primary one must declare a party preference, which is a line I’m unwilling to cross.

I hate partisan politics. I am, after all, the same guy who once gave out buttons bearing the catchphrase:

“Politicians, Same Jerks We Hated in High School.”

Live it. Love it. Believe it.

Fortunately, my friends, there is an alternative to voting. Yes, you can still take part in the process by taking today’s “Politics – How Sick Of It Are You?” quiz that I have prepared for those you who, like me, will sit this one out.

Mark the answer that best describes your sentiment on the following questions. We’ll add up our scores and analyze our Nausea Index at the end.

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1. This political season has dragged on longer than …

A. The last Ice Age. (2 Lying Teds)

B. The forming of our solar system. (4 Lying Teds)

C. The average NBA season. (6 Lying Teds)

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2. Democratic Presidential candidate and avowed socialist Bernie Sanders has me…

A. Feeling the Bern. (2 Lying Teds)

B. Feeling the heartburn. (4 Lying Teds)

C. Feeling the Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. (6 Lying Teds)

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3. A Trump presidency would…

A. Collapse the Republican establishment as we know it. (2 Lying Teds)

B. Collapse the Republic as we know it. (4 Lying Teds)

C. Make the toupee industry great again. (6 Lying Teds)

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4. Hillary Clinton’s best weapon is her…

A. Groping Hubby Bubba. (2 Lying Teds)

B. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit Affliction. (4 Lying Teds)

C. Chewbacca-meets-foghorn vocal impression. (6 Lying Teds)

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5. I’d rather (fill in the blank) than work on someone’s political campaign.

A. French kiss a diseased marmot. (2 Lying Teds)

B. Run naked through church during communion. (4 Lying Teds)

C. Admit to liking Bieber. (6 Lying Teds)

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6. A Hillary vs. Trump presidential race would be more bloody and barbaric than…

A. Frasier vs. Ali. (2 Lying Teds)

B. Hitler vs. the Allied Forces. (4 Lying Teds)

C. Kanye vs. Swift. (6 Lying Teds)

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7. Hillary’s biggest liability is that she’s more unlikeable than …

A. Anyone. (2 Lying Teds)

B. Everyone. (4 Lying Teds)

C. Both of the above. (6 Lying Teds)

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8. A surefire running mate for Donald Trump would be…

A. John Kasich. (2 Lying Teds)

B. Little Marco. (4 Lying Teds)

C. Nobody, of course. Trump doesn’t work well with others. (6 Lying Teds)

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9. I’d vote for Trump if only he’d…

A. Ratchet down the verbal diarrhea of insults and barbs. (2 Lying Teds)

B. Stop telling us how terrific he is. (4 Lying Teds)

C. Buy the Spokane Macy’s building and turn it into the next Trump Tower. (6 Lying Teds)

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10. In endorsing Trump for president, WSU football coach Mike Leach proved that…

A. Free speech is alive and well in Pullman. (2 Lying Teds)

B. Leach is not worried about being politically correct. (4 Lying Teds)

C. Trump will take endorsements from even the pompous gasbag coach of a mediocre football team. (6 Lying Teds)

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Time to add up our totals. If you amassed 22 or less you’re not sick enough of politics. Go outside and steal some political yard signs. You’ll get there.

Scoring in the 40s shows genuine disgust, and we applaud the effort.

And finally, a perfect score of 60 means you are beyond queasy. Turn off the news. Don’t go anywhere without an airsick bag and don’t worry. It’ll all be over soon.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.