Carolyn Hax: Husband says his faith is changing; should he tell his wife?
CAROLYN: I have been an average churchgoer my whole life, but recently I’ve found myself moving further and further from organized religion. I have huge doubts about the existence of God, and the Bible just makes my eyes roll now.
I’m very comfortable with this because, honestly, I feel like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I want to live my life by taking things as I see them, not as I’m told to believe them.
My only concern is my wife is still a churchgoer. She’s not a passionate Christian, but she wants to continue going to church and raise our two kids in the church.
What/how/when should I tell my wife about how my faith is changing? I really have no idea how she’ll react, but I’m just afraid of revealing this. Do I just keep faking it in church? – FAITH IS NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE
Surely you didn’t choose me thinking I’d be the one to say yes.
Couples can survive differences, but they rarely survive contempt. At least not happily.
Rolling your eyes is contempt, and faking it can be, too, so strike both from your playlist and replace them with kindness and honesty. Those two aren’t just the standard-bearers for respect, but they’re also the “how” and “what” of telling your wife.
Which may not go well – I figure you’re afraid for a reason – but still beats concealing a significant part of who you are now.
The “when,” of course, is now, or as soon as possible. I can make an argument for keeping your doubts to yourself (and for sharing them, too) as you figure out where they’re taking you, but that “weight … off my shoulders” says you’ve clearly arrived at the threshold for sharing your truth.
A couple of points not to skip, assuming they’re also true: Your prior commitment to your faith was sincere; your drifting from it wasn’t deliberate; you’re not going to stand in the way of her worship; and you’ll cooperate with her on raising your kids in her church tradition as long as it doesn’t involve deceit.
People don’t always remain as they were when they met and married their spouses, so it is not a betrayal for you to evolve. It is on you, though, to make sure this doesn’t become one. Tell your wife what she deserves to know.
DEAR CAROLYN: A friend of mine is getting married next month. A couple of her friends threw her a bachelorette weekend in Key West last weekend and several of our mutual friends went. I didn’t, as I had a family obligation.
Based on the stories I’ve heard about the weekend, she was a complete bridezilla and treated several of our mutual friends horribly. I’m shocked because I’ve never seen that side of her, and when I asked her how the weekend was, she said it was a blast.
The mistreated friends are no longer going to the wedding and I don’t know what to do. If I say something to her, then she’ll know they were talking about her, and besides, it’s between them. But I’m hesitant about going to the wedding and thereby condoning that behavior. Any advice? – BRIDEZILLA’S GUEST
Because there’s a chance mutual friends will boycott a wedding and not talk about it?
Or have they not yet told her their plans? I hope it’s not the latter; they have standing to opt out of the wedding but not to no-show it.
Their tell/not-tell status is a side issue but it could take care of the central one for you. If your friends haven’t informed the bride of their decision, then urge them to. Manners matter even in protest, plus it’ll give the bride a chance to rethink her behavior and repair any damage she did. Such chances deserve a page in every friendship playbook.
Once the bride knows some members of your group are boycotting her, there’s a good chance she’ll discuss it with you, which is the only opening you need to do your own fact-finding.
If she already knows but hasn’t said anything to you, then as a mutual friend you do get to ask her what happened – not to insert yourself as crisis negotiator, but instead just to understand what’s going on in your group. Staying studiously out of it when parts of a group abruptly stop being friends? That just seems bizarre.
Of course, maybe I’m misunderstanding this as a group situation when you’re more loosely associated than that; in that case it might make sense not to get sucked into who offended whom.
But if that’s the case – if it’s not your business to discuss with these friends – then it’s also not your business to use your attendance (or absence) to condone or condemn anyone. You’re either so close that you’re involved whether you want to be or not – or you’re neither. Whether you want to be or not.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 9 a.m. Pacific time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.