Couch Slouch campaigns to be ‘most interesting man’
What, they couldn’t drop a dime on Couch Slouch?
Trust me, I might not be the best-looking guy on the block, but I just might be the most interesting man in the world.
Frankly, if you made a checklist, you’d see I qualify in the three basic categories:
* Strong as an ox, with a mustache.
* Good with the ladies.
* United Mileage Plus Premier Platinum status.
So, how interesting am I?
Sometimes when I boil an egg, I boil two of ‘em at the same time.
Sometimes I’m married and sometimes I’m between marriages.
Sometimes I put my hand in the microwave on high for 45 seconds.
When I go to the bank to make a deposit, I let them know I’ll be coming back to get the money sooner or later.
I don’t go to church for the rosary, I go to church for the bingo.
I only watch the fourth quarter of WNBA games.
I always write in my own candidate for president, and sometimes it’s a guy I just met at Radio Shack.
Once in a while, I litter; I like to litter.
I DVR “The Dr. Oz Show” and then fast-forward to the commercials.
When the mood strikes me, I’ll have an Orange Crush for breakfast.
I hardly ever call my mother on Mother’s Day – it makes her appreciate me more when I do.
I only drive in the carpool lane when I’ve got no one else in my car.
I dozed off the other night on the couch, sat on the remote, it changed the channel to Animal Planet and I watched an entire episode of “Pit Bulls & Parolees.”
Women – you can’t live with ‘em, you can’t live without ‘em. I wish there were a third choice.
I can’t remember the last time I spoiled my appetite.
When I play tennis, I never serve-and-volley; I just serve.
Not only can I walk and chew gum at the same time, I can blow bubbles.
People make fun of my pig Latin, but it makes me bilingual.
I watched two college football games simultaneously last Saturday while preparing my living trust.
I don’t care what the law is, I’ll spit on the sidewalk if I want.
I liked fourth grade so much, I held myself back a year so I could do it again.
When I went to Walgreens last week, I made a left turn without using my left-turn signal.
I eat tacos with a fork and a knife.
When people see me coming, they usually cross to the other side of the street.
A couple of years ago I was in France and didn’t speak a single word of French the entire two weeks.
I’ll tell you the same thing I told my first wife: If you leave, you leave.
When I rake leaves, I don’t use a rake.
Yeah, I snore – it’s the perfect soundtrack for the nightmares I’m having.
Priests confess to me.
I can’t remember the last time I drove the speed limit.
When I’m in good spirits on an autumn Sunday, I drink Yuengling and Yoo-hoo.
I like going to the Laundromat just to watch people do laundry.
I wrote my PhD thesis on “Hybrid Methods for Robust Image Matching and Its Application in Augmented Reality” while taking a shower.
I never run to catch a flight. They’re not going anywhere till I get there.
If I die tomorrow, it will be sooner than expected, but, hey, I’ll deal with it.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Didn’t you pick the Saints as your Team of Destiny before, in 2013 after the Bountygate season – and they finished 7-9? (David Fleming; Spokane)
A. What, you writing a book? Yes, you are correct, but I see no reason to inform new readers of my past prognosticating indiscretions.
Q. Do you stand for the national anthem if you’re watching a game at home? (Joan Chang; Albany, New York)
A. Only if I happen to be walking to the kitchen to get a Dr. Brown’s Diet Black Cherry.
Q. After you finish writing a great column, do you fall over backward like tennis players do when they win a match? (Dave Skirvin; Indianapolis)
A. Actually, I just have Toni come pick me up from the saloon (and sometimes she pays the bar tab).
Q. I saw that Johnny Manziel has enrolled in online classes at Texas A&M. Will the two years he spent with the Browns make him ineligible to play online football? (Eddie Vidmar; Cleveland)
A. He’s fine – the Browns are not recognized as “professional football.”
Q. After watching the Rams on HBO’s “Hard Knocks,” is it just me or is Jeff Fisher about as motivational as an Alaskan ice cream parlor in February? (Kim Hemphill: South Riding, Virginia)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You, too, can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!