Couch Slouch shares excerpts from Tom Brady’s off-time journal
Tom Brady, in the midst of his involuntary month-long NFL sabbatical, is notorious for being a busy bee, so he has filled his idle moments by writing a journal. Because Couch Slouch has shown unwavering support for the 39-year-old Patriots quarterback during the entirely of the Deflategate debacle, he graciously agreed to share with us diary excerpts of one of his recent Bill Belichick-free Sundays.
Enjoy!
7:44 a.m. ET: Julian Edelman’s got to stop calling me after midnight on his burner phone to complain about Jimmy Garoppolo.
7:45: I’m the one who should be calling Edelman to complain about having to target Danny Amendola six times a game.
8:07: Nothing jump-starts my day like an eggless brown rice/quinoa/millet-and-bean omelet.
8:38: I’m tired of my tony Chestnut Hill neighbors and their home-owner regs; I’m using the leaf blower this morning.
9:10: As part of my “Do Nothing” campaign, I am going to do nothing for the next five minutes.
10:35: Why does anybody ever “Meet the Press” or “Face the Nation”? Coach has the right idea here.
11:11: Told Wes Welker to come by for brunch. Heh heh – I had him run 75 down-and-out back-shoulder-throw routes in the side yard.
12:58 p.m.: Watched “The NFL Today” for first time since 1999 – I’d play for Rex Ryan before I’d watch these jokers again. Whatever happened to Jerry Glanville?
1:33: Garoppolo actually throws a nice ball, for a backup.
1:52: I want to get back out there, but this Red Zone Channel is the bomb.
2:15: Got to leave in five minutes to meet Rob Ninkovich for our newly traditional Dave & Busters weekend outing. Too many tickets, too little time.
2:16: Ninkovich gets suspended four games for a banned substance and I get docked four games for … uh, what was I suspended for again?
2:47: Ninkovich is a beast in Pac-Man, Fishbowl Frenzy, Candy Crush Saga and Star Wars Battle Pod, but he can’t touch me in Dance Dance Revolution.
3:01: Gronk’s got my back – he’s been sticking pins in a Garoppolo voodoo doll; just got a text that the kid sprained his shoulder.
4:34: Damn, Whole Foods is out of grass-fed organic duck.
4:42: When I go to CVS to pick up green tea for Gisele, I love the look the clerk gives me if I’m wearing one of my “FREE BRADY” T-shirts.
4:50: Called Ben Affleck to give him the business again about “Gigli” and “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.”
5:19: I don’t care if I’m free every weekday morning this month, I’m not driving the kids to school any more.
5:24: They say “don’t get high on your own supply,” but I love eating TB12 vegan snacks.
5:30: If your brother-in-law were Kevin Youkilis, you’d let his calls go to voice mail, too.
5:43: Might go Mohawk when I visit my hair stylist tomorrow.
6:02: Overheard Gisele on the phone with Lloyd Carr planning my surprise 40th birthday party for next summer.
6:27: Unofficially, I really don’t have a horse in this race, but if Donald Trump wins, I’ll be rocking my blue tux to the inaugural ball in January.
7:14: Thinking of selling our L.A. home – really don’t need to be out there until I retire in 2026.
7:25: Memo to Tim Tebow: I was drafted by the Montreal Expos in 1995, so next time you hold an open workout, call me so you’re not completely wasting MLB teams’ time.
7:31: Just thumbed through Gisele’s coffee-table book – a bunch of photos, for $700. That’s right, seven bills. You go, girl!
7:32: If you want the recipe for sweet potato gnocchi with escarole, you’ve got to buy my book – only $200. Plus, unlike Gisele’s picture book, there’s text.
8:08: Considering our combined income, I can’t believe we don’t have an electric can opener.
8:30: “Sunday Night Football” means one thing – avocado ice cream!
8:47: To be honest, my Uggs grab at my ankles a little bit.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Since NFL wide receivers now signal most first downs and the mysterious booth official rules on most important calls, why not just eliminate all on-field officials except one to spot the ball as directed by players? (Mike Soper; Washington, D.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. At only 30 years of age, wouldn’t Sean McVay, the R*dsk*ns’ offensive coordinator,
be better off financially just focusing on FanDuel? (Anthony Pasceri; North Tonawanda, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. If Donald Trump implements racial profiling for NHL infractions, will the entire league have to shut down? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Should the NFL consider holding an expansion draft to help the Cleveland Browns? (Roger Strauss; Silver Spring, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You, too, can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!