Editor’s note: Paul Turner is taking some time off. In his absence, we’re diving into the archives here at Slice Central. Today, we revisit Aug. 6, 2011.
Which is your Inland Northwest sunglasses wearer personality profile?
Nonposer: “I’m trying to avoid macular degeneration.”
Feel My Face Relax: “Sunlight makes you tense up, even if you aren’t aware of it.”
Dictated by Style: “When I started wearing $10,000 Italian suits, I had to pledge to always don sunglasses.”
Princeton Could Use a Guy Like Joel: “I think they make me look like the young Tom Cruise.”
Playing the Angles: “At this latitude, it is insane to not wear them.”
Pool Putz: “I ogle. Sue me.”
Chauncey Gardner: “I like to watch. But even with the shades on, I don’t stare.”
Iceman: “I wear them because, in my imagination, they make me look like a fighter pilot.”
I Got It: “I wear them because, in my imagination, they make me look like an outfielder.”
I Like to Call Women “Baby”: “And it just seems like sunglasses go well with that.”
Latent Supermodel: “They complement my pout.”
Laker: “With the glare off the water, not wearing them would be like aiming laser-pointers at your pupils.”
Point Emphasizer: “I don’t wear regular glasses, so I need something to take off and have in my hand when I am vigorously concluding a statement that began with ‘Well, let me tell you this, young lady…’”
Ms. Mesmerizer: “I look so good in them, men all but whimper.”
Music Man: “When I wear sunglasses, I suspect that people assume I know all about jazz.”
Mr. Affectation: “I just like propping them up on top of my head.”
Urine Trouble: “Without them, it would be obvious to my boss that I am high. And I have no desire to be spot-tested.”
Soundtracker: “When I have them on, it’s as if the Beach Boys’ ‘Pet Sounds’ album is playing everywhere I go.”
Today’s Slice question: If you had been in charge, would you have green-lighted dropping an atomic bomb on Hiroshima?
Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email firstname.lastname@example.org. I wonder where Spokane ranks on the list of cities with the highest percentages of families purchasing their insurance from USAA.