Miss Manners: Gracefully joining an in-progress conversation

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette to join a conversation already in progress? For example, at a social gathering, a couple of people are already having a conversation. Is it OK to approach the group and say “hello,” or do I approach the group and wait for them to acknowledge me? When someone approaches my group conversation, I always acknowledge the person right away and share the topic we are discussing.

Most of the time, I approach a group and say “hello,” but is this considered interrupting? A few times, I have walked up to a conversation and stood there and was never acknowledged. Very awkward. Help … I don’t want to be rude, but I love to talk too!

GENTLE READER: Inserting oneself into a conversation in progress, like cutting in for a dance, does have its own etiquette.

The newcomer must wait for a lull in the conversation, acting in the interim as if what is being said is both interesting and, even without the preamble, intelligible. The established group is required to assume the opposite, namely that the newcomer does not know what is being said, and is therefore entitled to a brief, explanatory aside.

At the next natural break, introductions can be made all around. While a group holding a conversation in a social gathering should welcome newcomers, Miss Manners warns that such will not always be the case. It is therefore best to actually listen to what is being said, in case it is time to beat a hasty retreat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is dancing to or parodying the national anthem disrespectful?

GENTLE READER: Yes. But isn’t that why you thought of it? Miss Manners cannot often count on the public to enforce proper behavior, except when it concerns slights to themselves. And perhaps that is just as well. But this would certainly bring it on, and it is not likely to be gentle. She would advise you to go no further with this idea, which is as unwise as it is unfunny.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother invited her family on a cruise, where we dined nightly in the main cabin. My 54-year-old sister’s manners were a nightmare. My mother was visibly embarrassed in front of her new husband. I suggested to my sister to follow the level of formality and cues from our mother. She said I was being judgmental. How do you help someone understand that manners matter?

GENTLE READER: Without justifying your sister’s behavior, Miss Manners notes that 54 years is a long time to wait before attempting to correct a problem.

At least your sister cannot accuse you of rushing to judgment. Your mother will need to talk to her, admitting that she bears some responsibility for not speaking sooner. She must resist the temptation to justify her tardiness by blaming it on the newcomer (“your new stepfather was appalled”), as he was minding his own business.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.