The Slice: Newspaper readers stereotyped

I went to visit some Spokane grade-school kids last week.

They presented me with a piece of art showing a man, presumably me, reading a newspaper. The perspective shows the back of the man’s head. He is bald.

Seen from behind, his head looks like a snow-capped peak.

Naturally, this caused an anxious reflex. I reached up and felt around. Did they know something I didn’t? We’ve all seen guys with shiny patches of scalp and wondered how aware they might be of how their partially deforested heads look beneath a bright light.

Perhaps I was the last to know.

It turns out the bald head in the drawing is intended to generically represent aging newspaper readers. Or something like that.

Thanks, kids.

But it got me thinking about hair loss. And I thought I might ask the experts – bald men – a few questions. I’ll share some of the answers soon.

So, as pertains to baldness …

What did you know and when did you know it?

Where were you when you first realized you were losing your hair?

Did combing your hair gently and slowly prompt you to wonder “Who am I kidding?”

Have you tried the various treatments? Any success?

Do you not really mind baldness because you consider it a high-profile advertisement for your robust virility?

How has it changed your life?

Ever considered going with the shaved-head look?

Do you find that you tend to have more in common with other bald men?

What have been the implications for your collection of hats?

Ever heard a woman say, “I don’t trust a man who is not bald”?

Do you think reading the newspaper has contributed to your hair loss?

Does the Spokane area seem to have more bald men than other places you have lived?

Do your sons look at you and see their genetic fate?

Your thoughts about comb-overs?

Re: the “Peyton Place” question about dated expressions: A friend noticed a package-labeling problem at her business, so she left a note for the employee responsible. It said, “Houston, we have a problem.”

“My 21-year-old helper had no clue.”

Warm-up question: What’s the most remarkable stain an employee of a Spokane area dry cleaners has ever seen?

Today’s Slice question: What personal life milestone did you reach with an Elton John song playing in the background?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Asking readers what animal March came in like proved to be a case of rounding up the usual rodenty suspect.