Clark: Spokane’s new snow plowing plan includes holiday cheer, a pour of schnapps and the promise of Condon Coins
The Spokane City Council (aka “The Shady Bunch”) took some time away from listening to George McGrath on Monday night to unanimously vote in favor of launching a new-and-improved War on Winter.
Winter, of course, has a habit of showing up around here every now and then, whether it’s been invited or not.
And it’s most recent appearance has left a bad taste in everybody’s mouth except for this guy I met who repairs snow blowers.
Vowing revenge (on winter, not the repair guy), the Council has decided to make bold changes in the city’s snowplow plan for next winter.
This move is sure to raise more than a few eyebrows along with exclamations, like:
“What? We had a snowplow plan? Who knew?”
Monday’s 6-0 Council vote also proves the old proverb that says that snow is always easier to shovel, once it’s melted.
Anyway, City Councilwoman Amber Waldref (no relation to that famous salad) crafted this new resolution, which will radically change the way the city handles snow, although mittens are still advised.
After the hard long winter we’ve all endured, snow removal and faster plowing strategies strikes me as the very last thing our government leaders would want to be thinking about.
Waldref’s good intentions, however, goes to show that not all of the crackpots we elect are in it strictly for the junkets and the graft.
No sir. I received of an advanced copy of the Waldref plan – working title: “Spokane’s Latest Snow Job” – and I couldn’t be more impressed by all the very neat rows of typing.
Here are some of the more salient points for your civic consideration.
1. At the onset of a Stage 2 snow emergency, city plows will no longer be dispatched only to the mayor’s neighborhood, but to the neighborhoods of city councilmembers, as well.
2. During the worst winter months, city bus kiosks will serve as emergency hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps warming stations.
3. In blizzard conditions, drivers headed downtown will be randomly stopped and subjected to an IQ test.
4. The Freya Hill will be henceforth renamed as “Toboggan Land.”
5. Motorists who incur more than $500 of vehicular damage from winter potholes will be reimbursed from the City Hall’s leftover stockpile of Condon Coins.
6. During December and January, the planned Riverfront Park ice ribbon for skating will be extended to include all downtown sidewalks.
7. Drivers who make it up the Monroe Street Hill during an ice storm will be rewarded with commemorative “I Made It!” T-shirts at the summit.
8. During Stage 3 snow emergencies, Life Flight helicopters will be used for deicer airdrops over housebound South Hill residents.
9. For purposes of public relations, city snowplow operators will dress in red furry suits and stocking caps and wear fake white beards.
10. For additional purposes of public relations, the city Santa Plows will holler, “Ho! Ho! Ho!” as they pass by while burying your driveway.
11. Though a boon to the Spokane towing industry, the city will cease plowing in Browne’s Addition due to all the infernal bellyaching about what side of the street is being plowed on what day. Each Browne’s Addition resident, however, will be given a free shovel, a bag of sand and best wishes from city. Good luck!
12. Citizens calling the city to complain about snow removal will now be transferred to a special Snow Job complaint line where they will be treated to calming recorded holiday music from Zamfir, master of the pan flute.
13. From now on, the term “snow” in Spokane will be officially referred to as “Council Flakes.”