Doug Clark: Are you a true Zags fan? Take the quiz and prove it

You say you love the Zags, but how can we be sure?

You could be just another bandwagon blowhard. You know, one of those newcomers hopping a ride on the GU Final Four Express.

Well, you’re in luck. Today, at no additional cost to your monthly newspaper subscription, you can have mathematical proof of your Bulldog devotion.

How, you ask?

Simply take this year’s installment of my NCAA-approved Zags Love Quiz.

Step One: Try to read the questions without moving your lips.

Step Two: Circle the answers that best represent your level of GU devotion.

We’ll diagnose the results at the end of our exam just like always. So let’s begin.

1. The 2016/17 Zags basketball season was the most exciting news to hit this area since …

A. Expo ’74. (1 Bulldog)

B. The 1980 Eruption Of Mount St. Helens. (3 Bulldogs)

C. The recent Bigfoot sighting by a North Idaho woman who said she hit a deer because she was distracted by the sasquatch that was chasing it. (5 Bulldogs)

2. Everybody knows the Bulldogs play South Carolina in Phoenix on Saturday. But can you name the South Carolina mascot?

A. Cocky the Gamecock. (1 Bulldog)

B. Foghorn Leghorn. (3 Bulldogs)

C. Who cares? Tastes like chicken to me. (5 Bulldogs)

3. I’m such a big fan of Gonzaga’s 7-foot-1 starting center that …

A. I have a Przemek Karnowski autographed photo. (1 Bulldog)

B. I use a #24 Przemek Karnowski jersey as my bedspread. (3 Bulldogs)

C. Przemek Karnowski let me feed the pet marmot that lives in his beard. (5 Bulldogs)

4. When Brigham Young University spoiled Gonzaga’s perfect season, I was so angry I …

A. Couldn’t sleep for three days. (1 Bulldog)

B. Had a migraine for a week. (3 Bulldogs)

C. Joined the Mormon Church just so I could quit in disgust. (5 Bulldogs)

5. How low would you sink for a pair of free Final Four tickets?

A. I’d eat week-old road kill off a highway. (1 Bulldog)

B. I’d sell my body on East Sprague to the lowest bidder. (3 Bulldogs)

C. I’d read another shallow self-loathing piece of Spokane-hating crap by Cody Delistraty. (5 Bulldogs)

6. Nothing would celebrate Gonzaga’s first Final Four like …

A. Wearing the Blue and White for the rest of the year in honor of the team. (1 Bulldog)

B. Getting a “Gonzaga Forever” tattoo in honor of the school. (3 Bulldogs)

C. Shaving my eyebrows in honor of coach Mark Few. (5 Bulldogs)

7. The overall success of the Gonzaga University men’s basketball program has led to …

A. School enrollment nearly doubling. (1 Bulldog)

B. The university’s endowment topping $212 million. (3 Bulldogs)

C. Enough beer being sold at Jack & Dan’s to float a Viking cruise ship. (5 Bulldogs)

8. The attempt by GU students to cancel Friday classes as a travel day to Phoenix led to …

A. Administrators saying that school must go on as usual. (1 Bulldog)

B. The hiring of SCC students at $50 per stand-in. (3 Bulldogs)

C. Jesuits declaring the empty GU campus as the “Miracle of the Friday Rapture.” (5 Bulldogs)

9. If GU does the impossible and actually wins the national championship, we’ll see …

A. Wild dancing in the streets of Spokane. (1 Bulldog)

B. A bronze depiction of the team erected on campus next to the Bing Crosby statue. (3 Bulldogs)

C. The coronation of a new church leader, His Holiness, Pope Markus the First. (5 Bulldogs)

Okay. Time to psychoanalyze your numbers.

Scoring 12 Bulldogs or fewer reveals that you have no business rooting for GU. Really. We don’t want you. You’re probably a closet Wazzu fan, anyway. Go back to Pullman, loser.

A middle-of-the-road score in the 20s or 30s, say, exposes you as one of those annoying fair weather fans who says “Gon-zah-gah” instead of the phonetically proper, “Gahn-Zargha.”

You love the Zags when they win. You ignore the Zags when they lose. So stay home. Watch them on TV. Eat some chips. And try to keep your mouth shut.

Let’s cut to the chase.

If you scored a perfect 45, congratulations! You are not just a true fan. You are “THE” fan.

Clip out your test and bring it as proof to the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona, on Saturday.

Just smile and hand it to someone at the gate.

Don’t worry. You’ll be given automatic entrance to the stadium, a few minutes to go over game strategy with coach Few, an honorary spot playing triangle in the GU pep band and the game ball after it’s over.

In the event of any difficulties, please call the Spokane Mayor’s office at City Hall.

Go Zarghs!