The Slice: By request, a “Spokane man” spin-off

I never know what’s going to wind up in my email in-box.

“You have often run stories about ‘Spokane man’ and ‘Coeur d’Alene man’ but never ‘Cheney man,’ ” wrote Jerry Hilton, a bona fide Cheney man.

It seems Jerry hasn’t quite gotten over a Cheney Free Press story that, well, he can tell it.

“I am still ticked off by the article in 1971 that (was headlined) ‘Cheney Man Marries Valarie Gail Merrick.’ First of all, I was a lifelong citizen of Cheney and Gail was from Canada and unknown to most of my friends and family, let alone the people of Cheney, before the wedding. The headline should have read ‘Jerry Hilton Marries Canadian Girl.’ I think about that every time you talk about Spokane man.”

Well, I don’t know if this will help and I’m not sure I want to be producing these columns on request, but let’s take a peek at the S-R archives and see what “Cheney man” has been up to.

“A Cheney man who died this week had recently asked a judge to protect him …”

Yikes.

“A Cheney man is accused of entering his ex-girlfriend’s Liberty Lake home last month, burning several items and secretly installing a wireless camera to spy on her in her bedroom.”

Uh …

“A Cheney man convicted of killing his pregnant girlfriend …”

Sigh.

“A man who pleaded guilty to the torture and murder of a Cheney man …”

Can’t we all just get along?

“A 47-year-old Cheney man is accused of burglary after his 25-year-old female neighbor said he repeatedly threatened to chop her hand off before bursting into her apartment and trying to pull her shirt off.”

Uh …

“A 62-year-old Cheney man who was crossing the road was hit and killed…”

OK, enough already.

Can “Cheney woman” come to our rescue? Let’s start with a few headlines.

“110-year-old Cheney woman’s secret to longevity: ‘I just do it.’ ”

Now that’s what I’m talking about.

“Cheney woman follows signs to her second lottery winnings.”

Oh, yes. Now we’re on a roll.

“Cheney woman has rooted for the Minnesota Vikings for four decades.”

Oh, well. I guess it can’t all be good news.

Until next time.

Today’s Slice question: Could you more easily become romantically involved with someone whose politics are the opposite of yours or with someone who has the opposite attitude about smoking?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. How do you intend to celebrate Bobby Orr Day on Wednesday?