Front Porch: Sexism in society lingers behind a smile, Stefanie Pettit writes

With major news events happening rapid-fire and assaulting our brains daily, it’s hard to keep track of what went on even a few days ago, much less a few weeks ago. With that said, what I’m about to mention may seem of lesser importance in light of everything that’s transpired since, but I still think it needs airing.

I put it in the context of the experiences of my friend Marie, who, when she started a business here in Spokane, had the usual problems that any new enterprise faces – but she had that one extra one. She was a woman.

In a way, I feel a little embarrassed to bring this up. After all, the Mad Men era of the 1960s is long gone and strides have been made. But in less blatant but still important ways, we’re still there.

Here’s what brings these words forward today. President Trump was having lunch with U.N. Security Council ambassadors a few weeks back and was both speaking badly about the U.N. and praising America’s U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, the popular former governor of South Carolina.

Part of what he said was: “She is doing a good job. Now does everybody like Nikki? Otherwise, she could be easily replaced, right? No, we won’t do that. I promise we won’t do that. She’s doing a fantastic job.”

It seemed like it was being said with humor and a smile, but isn’t it always?

After witnessing this moment, I realized how deeply ingrained these attitudes and behaviors remain in our society. True, our president is no poster boy for respectful behavior in general, but it’s been nagging at me these past few weeks. Of concern, too, is that his words passed as just a blip on the radar. But then again, the next news cycle moved on to the next thing, so this thing faded quickly. Or to see it another way, it was only about treatment of a woman, so what’s the problem?

I’m sorry, big problem. Deep-seated, subliminal and pervasive problem. Not as blatant as it used to be, but still insidiously in the psyches of how our society views women.

Marie and I talked about the Nikki Haley incident. She told me it felt all too familiar. She had to fight pretty much every day against the notion that a woman couldn’t or shouldn’t be doing what she was doing and that she could be – and was – treated with lesser respect.

Marie tells me she can’t begin to estimate the number of times things were said to her, things wrapped inside remarks about femininity, teasing about appearance and speaking to her with diminutive terminology.

“I couldn’t believe what people said to me, how they tried to put me in my place, all of which was veneered as humor. I remember the owner of one property I managed kept calling me ‘girlie.’ I needed to keep his business, especially early on, so how hard do I push back?”

Marie started a property management business for commercial and rental properties and homeowners’ associations about 35 years ago and wound up with a large enterprise. She never planned it. She did have some experience with bookkeeping and had worked previously with her first husband managing a rental property they had.

“But then I found myself a single mother without a career,” she said, so she relied on what she knew and jumped in. It was tough going in general and also specifically, as most others in that industry were either men or couples.

She acknowledged that when she sold her business last year, the dismissive behavior wasn’t as overt, but it was still there. “In one form or another, it was part of doing business every day.”

Maybe her case and her industry are worse than others, I don’t know. But I do know that this is still real – this attitude that for a woman to be successful or to be accepted in the world of work, she needs to be liked, she needs to be pleasing. And, of course, it’s better if she’s pleasant to look at, but not too pretty lest she appear sexualized, which is a whole other bag of snakes.

I know there is often an eye roll when the subject of sexism is brought up. C’mon, stop being so sensitive, move on, Don Draper is dead. This is as outdated as parachute pants, fondue parties and flip phones – right? If only it were.

I felt so bad for Nikki Haley, who kind of smiled and gave a weak little laugh when the president spoke. What was she to do in that moment?

That’s the dilemma women face everywhere in the workplace, still today. From here in Spokane to fancy meeting rooms in Washington, D.C. It should be so much better by now.

Voices correspondent Stefanie Pettit can be reached by e-mail at upwindsailor@comcast.net.