Paul Turner: Thanksgiving celebration scenarios are endless

Who will be the MVP of your Inland Northwest Thanksgiving celebration?

Go ahead and make your prediction.

A) Your sister, who always scans the room and notices the person no one is talking to, and then marches over to remedy that.

B) Your Idaho cousin who deserves some sort of award for being the best listener.

C) Your son-in-law who becomes a one-man shuttle service between Spokane International Airport and your home.

D) The apoplectic Trump hater who, on this occasion, refuses to take the bait when others at dinner attempt to provoke one of her storied tirades. “I’d rather talk about this astonishing dressing. Kathy, did you make this?”

E) The steadfast nephew who cheerfully goes out at the 11th hour to track down an ingredient Aunt Helen absolutely needs for her celebrated asparagus casserole.

F) The host who gracefully but firmly defends his daughter’s elective dietary restriction. “Mother, Kendra does not eat meat. You know that. It doesn’t matter if it mystifies you. It’s her choice. End of discussion.”

G) Your father, who upon realizing that your visiting boyfriend is a little overwhelmed by the tense family dynamics, suggests that the two of them go out back and toss the football around.

H) Your uncle from Deer Park, who fixes the problem with the toilet.

I) Your sister-in-law, who defuses an increasingly heated debate of the whole “Take a knee” thing by doing her crowd-pleasing impression of Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life” saying “And Happy New Year to you, in jail!”

J) The 12-year-old boy who manages to stay out of the way for 18 straight hours.

K) Your brother, who coaxes a smile out of the shy, quiet relative at the end of the table by saying “No, Uncle Bob is the unquestioned Leftovers King – isn’t that right, Uncle Bob?”

L) The guest who entertains those at the gathering by organizing a betting pool based on who will be the first to take a nap after the meal.

M) The siblings (one who went to WSU and one who attended UW) who turn their good natured jousting into a lively, if somewhat insane, round of “That’s what she said.”

N) The relative who goes for a walk with you after dinner and tells a happy secret along the way.

O) The usually bitter, caustic in-law who, out of nowhere, comes up with the sweetest, most elegant praise for the mincemeat pie.

P) The relative from Bellevue who has the answers for all of Spokane’s problems but somehow manages to present this in a charming way.

Q) The aunt who comes to her brother’s defense. “Perhaps your father isn’t saying anything because, unlike the two of you self-appointed experts on war, he saw things in Vietnam he hopes you will never even have to imagine.”

R) The host who decrees in no uncertain terms that there will be no hand-held electronics at the dinner table and that the TV will definitely be off.

S) The adult who volunteers to sit at the children’s table and referee the mealtime shenanigans there.

T) The young people who listen intently and do not say a word as older family members share their recollections of Thanksgiving 1963, the one just a few days after President Kennedy was assassinated.

U) The attendee who calmly shoots down the theory that the Riverfront Park Ice Ribbon is connected to the River Park Square Parking Garage funding conspiracy.

V) The guest from Pullman who knows just what to do when your great aunt breaks a crown on a bite of sweet potato.

W) The nonbelievers at dinner who smile and nod their assent when your grandfather says he would like to say grace.

X) The turkey carver who has to explain who Norman Rockwell was.

Y) The woman who leaves everyone with glistening eyes after her turn to say what she’s thankful for.

Z) Other.