College football is so wrong for so many reasons – and that’s before we even get to the latest academic fraud at Florida State. It is money ill-spent and time ill-spent, an alarming hidden-in-broad-daylight repudiation of our institutions of higher learning’s supposed core mission.
Let’s round up the usual suspects:
– Alabama’s outside linebackers coach makes more money than its university president. With a $400,000 raise in May, Tosh Lupoi’s salary is $950,000 a year. University president Stuart Bell’s salary is $755,000.
This likely reflects the fact that outside linebackers impact the Tuscaloosa campus more than, say, National Merit Scholars. It also brings to mind 1930, when Babe Ruth’s $80,000 salary eclipsed President Hoover’s $75,000 salary; called on it, the Bambino said, “I had a better year.”
Still – and don’t get me wrong, I realize that Alabama’s outside linebackers are the Lamborghini of outside linebackers – it’s hard to fathom that Lupoi makes nearly a million dollars annually just to deal with outside linebackers. Somehow he doesn’t have enough time in the day to give even a sideways glance to an inside linebacker.
Of course, this all starts at the top, with Alabama coach Nick Saban, at $11.125 million this year, the nation’s highest paid public employee. Some argue he is undercompensated; the entire state economy apparently is tied to Saban’s ability to go 12-1 every season.
Just below Saban are defensive coordinator Jeremy Pruitt, earning $1.3 million, and offensive coordinator Brian Daboll, earning $1.2 million. Saban, clearly and correctly, favors good defense over good offense to the tune of 100k a year.
Meanwhile, the Crimson Tide’s strength and conditioning coach, Scott Cochran, makes $535,000. I also have no problem here – strength and conditioning are the backbones of America, though tragically omitted from our founding fathers’ Declaration of Independence.
But where I draw the line on athletic excess is this: Cochran lords over a 36,000-square-foot weight room; as a rule, Couch Slouch sees no reason any weight room ever need to exceed 30,000 square feet.
– Texas has remodeled and renovated its football locker room and weight room. Man, evidently you cannot run a first-rate FBS program without state-of-the-art dumbbells.
But let’s bypass the weight room here and focus on the locker room.
Extravagant locker rooms are all the rage. Texas A&M’s new facility includes a barbershop, UAB’s facility has a nutrition center and Clemson’s sports two bowling lanes.
Which brings us to Austin, where each player’s locker at Texas cost $8,700.
Uh, $8,700 FOR A LOCKER?
I mean, this is where you keep your cleats, your jockstrap, your deodorant and, back in the day, a copy of Playboy. But these are no ordinary lockers; above each of the 126 lockers, where a nameplate might normally be, is a 43-inch video monitor.
That’s right – a locker room with 126 flat-screen TVs.
It’s essentially Buffalo Wild Wings, without the liquor license.
– Maryland unveils an almost-paid-for new indoor football practice field. My spiritually bankrupt and financially bereft alma mater continues to push that in-the-red athletic rock up the hill, trying to keep up with the Joneses and Harbaughs in the Big Ten.
To that end, they have renovated Cole Field House, with a center for sports medicine, an academy for entrepreneurship and the school’s first indoor football home.
It’s a shiny new penny! Go Terps!!!
I hope it doesn’t cost too many nickels and dimes.
Actually, it cost only $155 million, mostly privately financed, with fiscally challenged university president Wallace Loh saying the project has raised two-thirds of its $90 million fundraising goal.
So they have built something – rather expensive – that they have not paid for yet. Reminds me of the first rule of money management: Live within your means.
I hope there’s at least a nice weight room in there.
Ask The Slouch
Q. With the recent arrest of Craig Carton, I understand there’s an opening on the WFAN morning show with your ex-College Park classmate, Boomer Esiason. How does “The Norman and Norman Show” sound? (Mitchell Shapiro; Rockville, Md.)
A. That likely would result in the first in-studio radio homicide.
Q. In the Washington Post-University of Massachusetts Lowell’s recent nationwide poll about the popularity of various sports, why weren’t pro bowling and pro poker included? (Roger Hartman; Annandale, Va.)
A. Sadly, #FakeNews strikes again.
Q. Does the most recent North Korean missile test, combined with POTUS’s small but itchy nuclear trigger finger, offer us the best chance the Patriots won’t win the 2018 Super Bowl? (Stephen Pappas; White Plains, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Is it true FEMA is using the New York Jets as its model for evacuating able-bodied citizens? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay this man too, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!