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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Miss Manners: Flatware: just pick the best tool for the job

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin Andrews Mcmeel Syndication

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wanting to purchase new flatware. The dinner knives and butter knives both come in serrated and non-serrated options. Is there one option that is more appropriate than the other, and why?

GENTLE READER: Serrated butter knives? How tough is your butter?

Miss Manners has to keep reminding people that flatware exists to provide tools for eating without excessive difficulty and mess. A plain sharp blade is adequate for serving most food, but if you are serving more challenging dishes, you might want those steel teeth. The idea is to arm the eaters to attack the meal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I host quite a lot of people in my house, a large number of whom somehow feel obliged to give me “hostess gifts.” The majority of these are things I do not want and would never use, but I have been accepting all of them with graciousness for fear of hurting their feelings.

Furthermore, I feel obligated to keep these things I do not want – house plants, an entire set of china, tablecloths, etc. – for fear of hurting their feelings again if they repeatedly show up and do not see their objects in the house. I am not a materialistic person, and do say, always, when accepting a gift: “Thank you; you really don’t have to do this, you know.”

Is there some sign I can put up at the door or on a dish towel, some way of politely letting visitors know I don’t want things, just the joy of their company?

GENTLE READER: This is a minor instance of a pervasive problem: the unappreciated present. The simple answer is that those should be accepted graciously with thanks, but that they then become the property of the recipients to dispose of as they wish.

It is unseemly to search for, let alone ask the fate of, such presents. You should silently let them assume that these things are in your cupboard, beach house, on loan, or otherwise merely absent from view.

But the search for a larger solution to the “wrong present problem” has led to various customs that Miss Manners finds unpalatable. Worst of all is announcing dissatisfaction to the donor, and even asking that person to exchange the offering. There is no excuse for such a response to generosity, however much it was unintentionally misdirected.

The two most popular responses are to have the recipient, rather than the donor, choose the presents — the gift registry — or to skip presents in favor of giving money, either directly or laundered in the form of gift certificates. And indeed, these serve the practical purpose of eliminating the unappreciated present. But they also eliminate the point of exchanging presents, which is not to meet practical needs, but to symbolize warm feelings.

In any case, no, you can’t hang up a sign on a dish towel. But you might want to make it known how much you love flowers.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.