Miss Manners: Family ‘tithe’ likely won’t stop mother-in-law from pestering

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law likes to help out less-fortunate relatives. She is quite generous herself, but she often asks some extended family members to help with additional contributions.

Everyone does acknowledge that the contributions are for good causes (i.e. hospital/surgery bills, medication for elders …) and that those people indeed need help and are much less fortunate than we are.

However, these fundraising events happen quite often; my MIL is often pleading for money (even if not for herself), putting others in the awkward position of having to say “no” to the fourth fundraising request of the year.

Since we have quite a large extended family, is it OK if we suggest minimum required contributions for all able family members every year? The minimum amount should and will be discussed and agreed upon by all family members. That way, my MIL would have a certain set amount to work with and would avoid awkwardness for herself and others.

GENTLE READER: Being a pest for a good cause does not excuse the underlying rudeness. Someone needs to talk to your mother-in-law and ask her to stop annoying the relatives. While the extended family might be willing to agree to an annual tithe if it would rein in your mother-in-law, the fact that you are only proposing a “minimum” contribution makes Miss Manners suspect that even you do not believe it would work.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was walking behind a group of people and happened to hear one of them suggest that they go to a particular coffee shop about half a mile away.

I knew that that coffee shop was closed for the season. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to admit I was listening to their conversation (although it was not intentional), but now I wonder whether it would have been better to speak up and save them a trip.

GENTLE READER: The phrase you want is, “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing … .”

Miss Manners trusts you not to use it when you overhear people discussing their love lives.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do I bring to an informal dinner at a friend’s house? I have taken them wine (which neither drink), cookies, cookie mix, sausage and cheese, etc. Recently we went for snacks and tacos. I took a pack of the nice dinner napkins. She seemed offended. Was this appropriate?? I am running out of ideas.

GENTLE READER: One idea would be to stop bringing gifts to dinner. Etiquette does not require them — the quid pro quo, if you must have one, is the dinners you host for your friend. Miss Manners realizes that your most recent gift was not meant as a criticism of your friend’s linen, but this is the problem with inventing your own etiquette — in this case, the idea not only that every meal deserves a gift, but that each gift must be unique. The recipient has no idea what you are doing.