Carolyn Hax: Standing by a sister with mental illness

Dear Carolyn: I don’t know how to help my troubled sister. She has been fighting the world since she was a little girl.

She is so unhappy and stops speaking to friends and family members, including me, on a rotating basis because we have disappointed her or stood up to her.

It is always someone else’s fault, and she doesn’t see herself as the common denominator. I have learned I can’t fix this for her and any advice I provide puts me in the hot seat for an hour or so of verbal beating.

I would tell her to go see a therapist, but she has chased them or bullied them all away.

I have set boundaries and don’t always answer the phone but feel occasionally I should reach out and call – but then it is another hour of saying “uh-huh” as she tells me her current troubles. When I cut her off and say I have to go, I feel guilty.

I guess my question is, how do I stop feeling so sorry for her? She is married with grown children, but that is another story I can’t fix. – Broken Sister’s Little Sister

Standing by her is a thoughtful gift you’re giving your sister.

Note: Gift. You are not making good on an obligation or repaying a debt.

But even if that’s the source of your guilt, please know you can be kind and boundaried both. They’re not contradictory. In fact, listening without limit isn’t support, it’s enabling.

That your sister has been “fighting the world since she was a little girl” does aptly convey your sense of futility.

Consider a session or three of professional help for yourself. It’s unrealistic to expect families to both diagnose and respond helpfully as laypeople to someone’s mental and emotional challenges.

A call to the National Alliance on Mental Illness – (800) 950-6264 or nami.org – is free and might be all you need.