The Slice: How to know you are dealing with the real thing

The other day a reader emailed me a query about a piece of correspondence he had received from an executive at The Spokesman-Review.

His suspicion was that the executive in question is not actually a real person but is, instead, a fictitious character such as the Food section’s hard-drinking temptress, Dorothy Dean.

That’s why today The Slice presents a handy guide to determining when people at the S-R are real and when they are not. You might want to clip this out and keep it with you at all times.

Real: Informs you that your subscription rates are going up.

Not real: Says the newspaper is basically a socialist organization.

Real: Asks you to get to the point.

Not real: Seems uncommonly attractive.

Real: Has heard your particular complaint before.

Not real: Struts through the newsroom saying “Run that baby!”

Real: Recalling the astonishingly late Saturday night finishes of a few WSU football games last year prompts him or her to begin perspiring.

Not real: Says deadlines are no big deal.

Real: Knows the secret S-R handshake.

Not real: Admires everything about the newspaper.

Real: Knows how to pronounce “Cowles.”

Not real: Cannot pronounce “Spokane” or “Gonzaga.”

Real: Understands that there has never been a more challenging time for the newspaper industry.

Not real: Gives you a business card that says “Daily Planet” or “The Daily Bugle.”

Real: Mixes bursts of energy with sighing.

Not real: Claims to have gone on a bender with Dorothy Dean.

Slice answer: “The most useful Bloomsday training tip I ever received was ‘Get to The Onion Bar & Grill early and wait for everyone to show up.’ ” – Kathy Hickman

What our proximity to Canada means to you: Pam Thompson had an answer.

“What it means to me is that I can explain where Cusick is – between Spokane and Canada.”

Warm-up questions: What sort of restaurant would you open in Spokane if you wanted to guarantee that you would be out of business within a year? Who in the Inland Northwest is No. 1 when it comes to exaggerating the dangers of visiting downtown Spokane? Which raises your anxiety level more, the word “shingles” or the words “kidney stones”?

Today’s Slice question: Has any couple ever done Bloomsday as a first date?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Spokane Valley’s Jennifer Miller has a stash of slip-over shoe booties for those making service calls at her home.