Miss Manners: Stepmother wants to fix familial rift

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been very happily married for 11 years. It is a second marriage for both of us, and I had nothing to do with my husband’s divorce, which occurred after his children were out of college and which was completely the choice of his ex-wife. In fact, I didn’t meet my husband until four years after his divorce.

My stepson and his wife have made it clear to me, despite my best efforts to create a warm relationship with them, that they want nothing to do with me. I have no such problems with my husband’s other son, or with my husband’s parents or extended family. I am a warm person with many friends, and have always been baffled by this rebuff, but have learned to accept it and try my best to be friendly when we do see them. Happily, they live in a distant state, so such occasions are infrequent.

And yes, on one occasion (a few years ago), I did try to ask gently if I had done something wrong and if I could somehow make amends, but it only made matters worse with my daughter-in-law.

Their ongoing rudeness includes postings on Facebook about long visits to our home where I am never mentioned, never included in any pictures, and to the uninformed reader, totally nonexistent. This couple has never sent me a birthday card; on my last birthday, they sent a text to my husband several days afterward, saying, “Tell your wife happy birthday for us.”

I always remember their birthdays and Christmas with generous gifts. In other words, I have never stopped trying, if only for my husband’s sake and that of peace in the family.

The icing on the cake came today with a sympathy card mailed only to my husband, referencing only his grief, with regard to the death of a beloved pet that we have shared for the term of our marriage. They are aware that I loved this dog like a child.

I feel that I should respond to this somehow, but I can hear my mother’s voice saying, “Do not dignify their poor behavior with a response.” What would you suggest? I am at a total loss, and my husband does not get involved in any way in this matter, as he doesn’t wish to alienate his son and daughter-in-law.

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners is inclined to agree with your mother, she will permit you one more attempt at addressing the issue head-on.

Letters often work better than conversations, as they give the recipient time to reflect before answering. It might say something like, “You were so kind to acknowledge my birthday last year, and our grief over Scruffy’s death. I would dearly love to hear from you directly, or least begin to rectify our distant relationship. Your family means the world to me and after all of these years, it seems a shame that we do not have the close relationship that we all enjoy with the rest of the family.” Approaching it without blame and only subtextual shaming is always an effective mix when it comes to family.