Miss Manners: Collector doesn’t want to lend items out

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have seven 6-foot-tall bookcases full of books, DVDs and CDs, with much spillover. Many of the items are rare, out of print and/or unique.

All too often, friends want to borrow this or that, which I hate. In the past, I’ve had items lost, loaned to a third party or come back damaged. Should I cover up my library, place NO LOANS signs or demand a cash deposit? I’ve even had people ask for decor items on display.

GENTLE READER: Being a good host does not require you to hand over everything that is not nailed down, but it does prevent you from slapping guests’ hands when they reach for a book (an act that, Miss Manners notes incidentally, requires permission).

Signs and receipt forms are therefore out of the question. The next time a request is made, smile sadly and apologize, saying that you just cannot part with that item. But it might be less trouble to move the bookcases out of the living room, rather than the guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few days ago, I stopped at a small local restaurant for lunch. The place is takeout only, no tables. I placed my order at the counter, waited, and was soon waved over by the cashier.

My meal was just less than $7. I handed her a $10 bill. She handed me my food, rang up the bill, then promptly deposited the entire amount of change into the large tip jar next to the register.

I asked her what she was doing and requested my change. She said it was “policy.” I asked for the manager. The manager said that while it wasn’t a formal policy, they’d been doing that “for ages” and “nobody’s really complained.” (Something I highly doubt.)

I again asked for my change, pointing out that taking the money without my consent was stealing. Both the manager and cashier became somewhat surly, but returned my change.

The next day, I was discussing the incident with a friend. She was horrified, and said I was completely out of line to request my change, because one must always tip for service. This started a bit of an argument, since I don’t consider handing me a bag and taking money on par with, say, actual table service in a restaurant. She countered that once the money was in the tip jar, it was no longer mine and I had no right to demand it back.

Was I rude in asking for my change? And are we now required to tip everyone we do business with? Grocery cashiers, gas station attendants …? This friend is still berating me for my “embarrassing” lack of manners.

GENTLE READER: Too many bosses see tipping as a way to underpay the staff, and therefore remain passive about how aggressively tips are collected. Most – but not, apparently, all – draw the line at theft.

Expecting a cashier to make correct change is neither unreasonable nor unmannerly. While Miss Manners shares your friend’s distaste at actually reaching into the tip jar, the fact that your money made it that far does not absolve the manager of his responsibility to make you whole.

Tipping is, by definition, not mandatory. If the boss is concerned about his cashiers, then he can make change for you out of the register – or raise salaries.