Miss Manners: Pianist wants to enjoy gala, not become its entertainment

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professional classical musician, fortunate enough to make a very good living playing the piano and conducting opera. Some friends of mine (non-musicians) have invited me to a gala party, and although I would love to go, I fear they will ask me to play the piano for their guests.

This happened last time I was at their house. I politely refused several times, explaining that I would really prefer just to enjoy the party and not perform, but they were so insistent that I finally caved.

How can I explain – without seeming impolite, ungrateful, stuck-up or churlish – that I don’t want to work at their party?

GENTLE READER: Grateful as she is when artists resist the temptation to be impolite, ungrateful, stuck-up and churlish, Miss Manners will accept three out of four.

Call your hosts in advance and explain to them that you need to rest your fingers, and you would greatly appreciate their help at the party. Their assignment is to assist you in fending off those pesky guests who ask you to perform.

This will solve your problem, while confirming what your hosts already believe: namely, that being stuck-up is a professional prerequisite to being a great pianist and opera conductor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband received a letter from his late father’s ex-wife, who was my husband’s stepmother in his college years and a bit beyond. While their relationship was perfectly cordial, they were never especially close.

Since her divorce from his father, and his father’s subsequent passing, they have been in very infrequent contact – Christmas cards and the occasional postcards. She has no children of her own, and though she did remarry, she is now widowed.

Now we have received a letter from her stating that my husband and his siblings are to inherit her estate upon her passing. Our share of this would be a life-changing amount of money for us.

What is the appropriate way of thanking her? We will need to do so in some way, if only to acknowledge that we received the letter. Everything I can think of sounds absurd, insincere, or as if we are eager for her to get on with it.

GENTLE READER: Your problem is not that your husband’s father’s widowed ex-wife might think you want her dead. Your problem is that up to now, you have given no indication that you much care that she is alive.

The etiquette equivalent is receiving a proposal of marriage from the person you have decided to dump: one of mismatched expectations.

Miss Manners assumes that you want the worldly goods. You should not have them without the relationship, which was never bad, merely casual. But improving the relationship now will require more-than-usual tact. The first step is to have your husband call your would-be-benefactor to express gratitude and some surprise – that while you are enormously thankful, you really never expected anything from her. He may then restart the relationship by asking to catch up and find out what she has been up to since he left college.