Miss Manners: Responding to misguided comments

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a niece who shaved her head for a childhood cancer charity, and she has received a lot of comments such as, “That was so brave of you to shave your head considering you’re a girl.”

I am beyond disgusted to hear this, but I can’t think of what she could possibly say that would both alert the commentator to their veiled insult and still express a level of politeness.

GENTLE READER: It was in the hope of educating the general public – and thereby sparing future cancer patients such unkindnesses – that charities started encouraging non-patients to shave their heads. This being the intent, Miss Manners suspects that your niece will want to respond on point, rather than getting distracted by the implied gender issue.

That can be accomplished by saying politely, if solemnly: “Thank you, but what I did is really nothing. Just imagine what those children have to endure.” The commentators may conclude that your niece is being sanctimonious, but they will also be discouraged from repeating their rudeness to the next compassionate person.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The cafeteria in my office building includes a large salad bar, which I often frequent. The setup is fairly standard: greens, then proteins, then a long stretch of other toppings before finally getting to the dressings.

Often enough, I find myself with my salad fully assembled to my liking, but I am stuck behind someone who is moving down the line adding more and more toppings.

If there is no one else in front of this person, is it acceptable for me to cut ahead to the dressings? On the one hand, I feel that cutting for any reason would be inherently rude. But on the other hand, I’ve had someone ahead of me act apologetic for “taking so long,” or rush through their selection because they feel they’re holding me up. Of course I wouldn’t dream of skipping ahead if there is an actual line of people. But it seems silly and feels awkward to just be standing there waiting.

GENTLE READER: It is always rude to cut in line, but the situation you describe is not always properly considered one line. (Miss Manners is fond of subtlety, not caring that it is sometimes derisively referred to as a technicality.) You may jump over a substantial gap. Ideally, find someone on the other side of the gap and line up behind them as a demonstration of your law-abiding nature.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who promised me several times to pay me back for an event ticket if I paid the money up-front. He finally came through a couple days before the event, but I didn’t have the ticket on hand, so he said he would pick it up in the next couple of days or meet us at the event.

He didn’t pick it up or show up at the event. My friends and I tried calling him several times, but we didn’t get a response, and he hasn’t called me since.

Should I make an effort to pay him back, or wait until I hear from him to see what he has to say? I don’t want to get rid of a friendship over the ticket, but at the same time, I am very upset by his behavior because I could have spent the money on other things.

GENTLE READER: As you already have the money in hand, it is not a question of how to spend it, but whether or not to return it. Your friend would no doubt say that he paid for the ticket, as agreed, after which it was up to him whether or not to attend.

Miss Manners sees the logic in this without entirely accepting it. His paying for the ticket did lessen the host-guest nature of the invitation, making his nonattendance less repugnant than, say, missing your wedding. Assuming a formal apology is therefore not necessary, your wisest course of action is to treat the matter as closed, and proceed with the friendship.