Maybe you should skip the T-shirt from latest vacation

There are two kinds of people in Spokane.

Those who really enjoy going on vacation and traveling to distant destinations, especially at this time of year.

And those who would just as soon stay home.

Chances are, you know to which group you belong. But if you are at all unclear, here’s a helpful guide.

Love to travel: You want your life to be more like a Jason Bourne movie.

Prefer to stay home: You already have enough T-shirts.

Love to travel: You never tire of refreshing the collection of vibrant, colorful images stored in your mind.

Prefer to stay home: Once you’ve seen a few cities like Rio de Janeiro or Bangkok, you’ve seen ’em all.

Love to travel: You like reminding yourself that life’s possibilities are not bounded by East Valley and Airway Heights.

Prefer to stay home: Virtually every aspect of air travel brings out the misanthrope in you.

Love to travel: You adore how the sunshine in Italy or Spain can feel like a caress.

Prefer to stay home: It seems like every time you leave Spokane and go to a major resort destination, every third person you encounter expects a tip for opening the door to your room, showing you where to stand to catch the airport shuttle or, frankly, for doing nothing.

Love to travel: You never tire of the excitement that comes with anticipating what you are about to experience.

Prefer to stay home: Every time you go on vacation, you spend half the time patting yourself down – making sure you are still in possession of your wallet and keys.

Love to travel: The prospect of dining at memorable new restaurants makes you giddy.

Prefer to stay home: You have never gotten lost coming home from Rosauers.

Love to travel: You know how Col. Brandon in “Sense and Sensibility” says of the East Indies, “The air is full of spices”? Well, that’s how you regard being far from the Inland Northwest.

Prefer to stay home: No matter how carefully you pack, all your clothes look like they were crammed into a garbage bag by the time reach your destination.

Love to travel: You can’t get enough of regional accents far from home.

Prefer to stay home: You sincerely believe that travel is for those in their 20s and 30s. At some point after that, you outgrow it and begin to focus on yardwork.

Love to travel: There’s more to life than staying in your recliner and watching TV.

Prefer to stay home: You went to Vietnam in 1968 and found the charms of travel highly overrated.

Love to travel: It’s always a kick to unexpectedly run into people with some surprising connection to Spokane.

Prefer to stay home: You once got confused and told a waitress in Montreal that you don’t speak English. You are still trying to live that down.

Love to travel: What happens in Kansas City stays in Kansas City.

Prefer to stay home: Well, you’ve got your to-do list and those garbage barrels aren’t going to roll themselves out to the curb.

Love to travel: Travel invites you to reimagine your life in all sorts of intriguing ways.

Prefer to stay home: You might not be the greatest driver but at least, in Spokane, you can usually remember which side of the street you’re supposed to be on.

Homecoming rituals

It could be argued that one of the best parts of any summer vacation is coming home and seeing that everything is all right.

Your quick mental checklist confirms that all is in order and your cherished routines may now be resumed.

Even if you didn’t spend every moment while you were away worrying about what was going on back home, coming in and finding that everything is just as you left it is such a reassuring feeling. Your neighbor remembered to come in and water the plants. The lawn has been mowed. Your mail has been collected and placed in a neat pile on the island in the kitchen. And yes, the oven was off.

We all have our own homecoming rituals. But for at least some of us, one of them is opening the refrigerator door. Perhaps we do it just to confirm that nothing in there has turned into penicillin. Or maybe it’s just a way of inviting your normal life to resume.

There’s a scene in the delightful 1983 movie “Local Hero” where the central character, an oil man named MacIntyre, returns to his apartment in Houston after a trip to Scotland. What does he do? That’s right.

Maybe opening the fridge and sniffing the milk is just a way of quietly announcing that you’re back.

I wonder if those newer refrigerators with interactive touch screens on the door can be programmed to say “Welcome home”?

End note

In response to a recent column, Alicia Davies stood up for the right to say “Get off my lawn!”

“I say that daily to the clueless college students who use my yard as their personal thoroughfare. I’m afraid at the ripe old age of 48 I have become that neighborhood lady. I could choose to let this battle go but it just bugs me.”

Rage on, sister.

Columnist Paul Turner can be reached at srpaulturner@gmail.com.