Miss Manners: T-Shirt slogan sticks in in-law’s craw

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son-in-law showed up the other day with a T-shirt that said, “Suits suck.” This is a grown man. His wife wears a suit when required, as do other members of our family.

It’s really not a big deal, as this was just a casual get-together, but still seemed tasteless and maybe even slightly confrontational.

Should I be put off by this, and should I have said something? Where does it fit in the whole manners world?

GENTLE READER: Your son-in-law is not alone in being confused about the manners surrounding the posting of someone else’s words – whether in the form of bumper stickers, T-shirt slogans, or things taped to office doors.

Miss Manners chooses to believe that your son-in-law did not intend to be rude – in which case his defense must be that they were not his words, but those of the shirt manufacturer. His action in wearing the shirt was, he could claim, to share the joke.

As better-known people have discovered, no one, from the human resources department to the closest relative, believes this excuse, and with good reason. Etiquette sees no important difference between words printed on your chest and those coming out of your mouth – a point worth making to your daughter, if not directly to your son-in-law.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in the process of being offered a position at a company where the team sometimes has lunch out together. It is my desire to attend, in order to socialize and be included. If I do not regularly go, I fear I would risk not being considered an equal member of the team.

But I have many food sensitivities, and therefore am unable to order meals at restaurants. I am happy to bring my own food, but that may be frowned upon by the restaurant. Perhaps at a fast-food establishment, it could be permissible.

Please advise how I might handle this situation. Ordering food at the restaurant and dealing with the physical consequences, including missing work as a result, is not a viable option.

GENTLE READER: Attending without eating – or ordering something simple, such as a beverage or a plain salad – to participate in the social aspect is perfectly acceptable. The difficulty is doing so without attracting unwanted attention from new co-workers who, like your boss, but without her leverage, will think of you as probational.

No matter how much provisional goodwill your co-workers bring to the table, it is safest to assume that the details of your food sensitivities will not fascinate them. (This is true even if they find their own food sensitivities exquisitely interesting.)

Find an opportunity before the meal – but, Miss Manners hastens to add, after you get the job – to tell a few key co-workers that you have some boring food allergies, but even though you won’t be eating, you are so looking forward to spending time with them. If you are fortunate, those few will spread the word, sparing you tiresome probing during the meal.