Miss Manners: Leave the fiery festivities to the Fourth of July

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had wanted to elope, but my husband insisted that his very small family be in attendance, including his uncle, aunt and cousin. My immediate family was invited, but my extended family was not, both because I did not want an audience and to control costs.

However, my sister’s fiance and my husband’s brother’s serious, long-term girlfriend were invited explicitly; they were not “plus-ones.” About a month before the ceremony, my now-brother-in-law informed us that he and his girlfriend had broken up in order to pursue “greener pastures” but would still be spending “quality time” together occasionally, if you catch my meaning. (Yes, he actually told us this, and no, I do not know why.) Not to worry, though, she would still be attending the wedding.

My husband and I agreed that because they had broken up, “quality time” notwithstanding, it would be inappropriate for her to attend. This was especially concerning to me, because my extended family was already making quite a bit of noise about not being invited while my husband’s was, and I did not wish to field inquiries as to why an ex-girlfriend was in attendance too.

My parents-in-law and brother-in-law are livid with us over this decision. It has caused a significant amount of tension. It’s to the point that my brother-in-law is not speaking to us, and my parents-in-law dress us down every time we see them. Miss Manners, were we wrong to tell my brother-in-law his ex would not be welcome at the wedding?

GENTLE READER: Strange as it may seem, etiquette considers invitations more binding than the conditions that gave rise to them. Absent extenuating circumstances, you were wrong to disinvite the girlfriend. And by “extenuating circumstances,” Miss Manners means the girlfriend’s emptying the joint bank accounts and decamping with the mailman in the middle of the night, not the amiable breakup you describe.

This is one reason to be careful when issuing invitations. You have already discovered another reason, namely that those who are not invited will be hurt – particularly when the criteria for inclusion are opaque. Your rule would have caused problems even if your brother had married his girlfriend the weekend before: “We wanted to keep it to immediate family if the family was large, and extended family if the family was small, but we also let immediate family bring guests so long as it did not blow the budget.”

Better to have said, “We wanted to keep it to immediate friends and family.” Anyone rude enough to inquire about an aunt and uncle could then be told that they are your husband’s only other remaining family.