Miss Manners: Brothers’ birthday party begs for host’s clarification

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m throwing a combined birthday party for my sons, whose birthdays are three days apart. We are planning to invite family with children both boys’ ages, as well as my older son’s preschool classmates.

I mentioned to my mom that the invitation would say it was a party for both boys. (”Come to celebrate birthday fun galore! Liam is turning 2, and Logan is turning 4!”)

To my surprise, she said the invitations to the preschool classmates should only have my 4-year-old’s name on them, lest his friends’ parents feel obligated to bring a gift for my 2-year-old as well. I think the invitation should say that the party is for both boys, and the parents can decide if they’d like to bring a gift for one, both or neither. (Gifts are certainly not obligatory.) What says Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: Your mother is right that something must be done, but not exactly what she thinks. Not telling some parents about your younger son will only result in embarrassment when they arrive with one gift.

Include a note to your 4-year-old’s friends’ parents, explaining that there will be other children there to celebrate his brother’s birthday, as the birthdays are so close in date. This follows Miss Manners’ dictate against mentioning presents in the invitation, but warns the parents what is coming. Should anyone ask, you may then clarify that they really are being invited to the party for Logan OR Liam. Parents of 4-year-olds should have had recent practice at adding two plus two.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attended a wedding reception where there was open seating at tables of eight. The group that we normally sit with at other outings were all invited.

When it was time to sit, we were told that the extra chairs were being held for somebody else that we knew but don’t always see on a regular basis. One of the ladies said we should sit behind them at another table.

I am a little hurt over this. We spend a great deal of time with these couples, so how should I respond to them in the future?

GENTLE READER: It is with some trepidation that Miss Manners reaches for the next letter from a Gentle Reader, as she anticipates it will be from a wedding guest who feels slighted by being excluded at such events by groups of old friends who prefer to travel in packs.

There is no objection to the eight of you sitting together at an open table if you so desire, but mingling with other guests on occasion does not seem to her to be a casus belli. When it does happen, the proper response is not to sit behind your six friends – while presumably then ignoring the guests at your own table – but to have a good time with the new people you meet. This will be both more fun and, if it turns out you were being intentionally slighted, a more effective response.