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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Miss Manners: Bullying mother-in-law bodes ill for bride

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin Andrews McMeel Syndication

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I intend to ask two of my childhood friends to be my bridesmaids. However, my mother-in-law has told me that it is “an unforgivable breach of wedding etiquette” not to ask her daughter, my soon-to-be sister-in-law, to be a bridesmaid. She added ominously, “If you don’t, don’t be surprised if (sister-in-law) makes a scene at your wedding. After all, being your bridesmaid is her right.”

I’ve never heard of this rule of etiquette, nor of any other rules governing the choice of wedding attendants. After all, I was never a bridesmaid at my brothers’ weddings, and I didn’t think anything of it.

Maybe I should have? I would hate for a grand snub to go unnoticed. Are there truly such rules? If so, could you please share them with me so I don’t cause offense?

GENTLE READER: Custom does often include the siblings of the bride and bridegroom in the wedding party, but doing so is not mandatory and neglecting to do so is not a snub.

Miss Manners fears this is the least of your worries, however. She would be much more concerned about a mother- or sister-in-law-to-be who wrongly imbues a bullying tactic with the full force of etiquette, and then offers to punish any lapses with truly unforgivable retribution. Is it too late to elope?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommates like to host parties, which sometimes involves purchasing large quantities of food and decorations. These parties are not excessively loud or destructive, so I do not object. They typically invite people from their school program and, depending on the occasion, sometimes say I can invite my own friends.

I am at these parties by default because I have nowhere else to be at night, but I am not interested in them. Usually I attempt to socialize, but sometimes retreat to my room for a while.

Should I be contributing to these parties when my friends do not come? I want to be a kind, helpful roommate, but I don’t know whether that involves purchasing supplies, helping to set up, etc. I usually help clean up anyway, because I am the neat freak of our apartment and can’t stand existing in the apartment while it is still messed up.

Can I say “not my party” and not get involved, or is it my party by default because it’s in my apartment?

GENTLE READER: There is a way to avoid host duties in connection with such a party, but it requires you to vote with your feet: Find somewhere else to be on the night in question. If you do attend, you will have to assume at least the basic hostly duties of looking out for guests’ comfort and pointing them to the bathroom. Miss Manners sees no obligation to making more material contributions under the circumstances, but she strongly advises against pretending you have never seen the place before.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.