Dear Annie: How to stop an unwelcome visit

Dear Annie: I have three grandchildren from my stepdaughter who live in another city. Their mom has said that she plans to come and visit with the kids this summer. One of the children has a lot of mental health issues. On a previous trip, “Sophie” stole several items worth quite a bit of money. When I mentioned this by phone on their drive back, my stepdaughter said she’d ask my grandchild. Needless to say, the child denied everything.

She also defaced a painting while visiting. I later found out that “Sophie” has stolen large sums of money from her father as well as from others. She has been violent and twice committed to a psych ward. This child is 13, and I have always suspected she could be violent. This was confirmed by the other grandmother.

I really don’t want her to visit but don’t know what to say to stop the visit. Help! – Wary Grandmother

Dear Grandmother: If you really want to stop the visit, then be clear and honest: “No, you are not allowed to stay with me.” Setting boundaries with loved ones and not wanting to expose yourself to violence or theft is nothing to feel bad about. Just be direct and upfront right away and tell her mother that Sophie is not allowed to stay with you. That does not mean that you don’t want to have contact with her. Make it clear that you love your grandchild, as I am sure you do, but that you don’t want to expose yourself to so much risk.

I would also have a talk with her parents and make sure that Sophie is getting proper mental health care. It sounds like she is very troubled and that her mother might be in denial.