Dear Annie 4/23

Dear Annie: I’ve been involved with the father of my child for 10 years. Leaving out at least nine years of insanity, I fast-forward to today. He has a drug problem and got clean seven months ago. He’s doing well in recovery. We were separated for five years because of his behavior, but after rehab, he came to live with me and our son to try to make things work.

It has been OK. He started working recently, and things had been fine. However, I have some deep-seated trust issues because of his lying and infidelity in the past. I looked at his phone while he was sleeping the other night and discovered that he’s still very much in a relationship with the woman he was dating the five years we were apart. He has told her that he is still in rehab, and the lies are quite elaborate regarding his day-to-day activities.

This has gone on for five months. When confronted, he became violent. Obviously, I need to break this off, but I am at a loss as to how. Our son is thrilled that his dad is home and sober. His dad will not leave easily. He doesn’t really have anywhere else to go and has, in the past, broken into my home or hung around outside until he’s been let in.

I’m afraid of what this will do to our son. The last time we broke things off, he was a toddler, so he doesn’t remember, but things got very, very messy. I am keeping quiet for now because I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m trapped in a ridiculous mess, and I’m also so embarrassed by all of it. – Trapped

Dear Trapped: Keeping you and your son safe – from potential violence, potential relapse and continued manipulation at the hands of your son’s father – is of the utmost importance. Your partner has clearly worn out his welcome and needs to be removed from the home immediately.

Create the boundary. Give him a firm move-out date and stick to it, allowing him a week or two at most to secure his own housing. Having this conversation in a public place or with a trusted friend or family member present may reduce the risk of violence. Additionally, the National Domestic Violence Hotline website has information on local resources, from support groups to counseling to recovery services.

If appealing to reason doesn’t work, appealing to the law will. Depending on what state you live in, your options may vary, so consider speaking with a lawyer to determine the best option for your situation. No matter what, stay strong. You’re doing the right thing.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.