Everything tagged

Latest from The Spokesman-Review

How to make people smile

When friends, relatives or co-workers present you with a newborn to admire, be sure to say, “Ahhh, the REAL royal baby!”

Video: humorous commercial bears viewing

WILDLIFE — Bear with me on this….

The ability of computer generated animation to mix fantasy with reality is a bit alarming, but also quite humorous in the case of this creative Canadian ad for a clothes washing machine reveals.

Funniest person at www.spokesman.com

It's SR web maven Ryan Pitts.

You should do whatever it takes, including bribes if necessary, to follow him on Twitter.

A couple of other SR editors with dry wits are close on his heels. But Ryan makes me smile every day.

What would you have done?

A cashier asked me if I wanted to hear an off-color story.

He might have said “joke.” But I think he said “story.”

“What?” I said.

He repeated the question.

Now, this cashier is a person I have dealt with many times. He seems sane. I like to think we enjoy a nice rapport.

I had no reason to suspect that the humor stylings in question would involve anything truly creepy. And I didn't want him to feel like I was judging him harshly for even suggesting it. 

So I said “Sure.”

The joke turned out to be pretty tame. Garden variety dirty-joke stuff. He was reminded of it by one of the food items I was purchasing. I was not offended.

What would you have said if asked if you wanted to hear an off-color joke?

Valentine’s Day? Bite me.

     It looked like a child’s Valentine, a square of red construction paper glued onto a lacy white paper doily. I noticed it on the floor, one edge trapped under the leg of a chair in the coffee shop.
     I picked it up and opened it expecting to see something like “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue…signed with X’s and O’s and written in a looping childish scrawl. But that’s not what it said. Instead, I read the words, “You can bite me” printed in ink – by an adult hand - and finished with lots of exclamation points.

The Obama Magic Show…

Good morning, Netizens…

In this morning’s David Horsey cartoon we have the famous Obama Magic Show, featuring adulations by the Democrats and starring Humpty Dumpty as The Republican Party. The real question remains to be seen whether the Republican Party will be able to put itself back together again, isn’t it?

Now the real magic act which desperately needs to take place to save the show is when Obama gets the national budget back into some semblance of order, isn’t it? It might happen; if it does, poor Humpty Dumpty will have to put himself back together again, but this time sans Rush Limbaugh and perhaps a more moderate Republican Party.

If not, brace yourselves for another go-round of the Right Wing Republican majority. That, too, could happen.

The next 100 days may be the telling point.

Do you think Obama will continue to pull rabbits out of his hat?


Is the Inauguration already over?

Good morning, Netizens…

My goodness, according to David Horsey’s cartoon this morning, they haven’t finished cleaning up the mess from the Obama Inauguration yet and now some members of our Congress are already warming up their election campaigns?

Wait a minute! They haven’t even torn down the massive platforms from which Obama made his inauguration speech, and the seats where all the illuminati of Washington’s unwashed masses sat posing for the cameras, and now some of these same people are campaigning?

Oh, dear!

I conceive of a new federal law that says no candidate may begin their election campaigns until the trash from the previous campaign and/or inauguration has been cleaned up. Does that make sense to you?


James Dean meets Schwarzennger…

Good evening, Netizens…

David Horsey seems a bit obtuse in this morning’s cartoon.

Most opinions of the current debacle unfolding in California are that Governor Schwarzenegger took the path of least resistence to try and save his state economy. It is either take the Stimulus Package and hope for the best, or face certain bankruptcy. Much like everything else taking place across the country, Republican Boehner does not like that. That means despite the Stimulus Package beneath his arm, Schwarzenegger will still have to massively cut the size of state government and raise taxes.

Could it be this time the tax increases will be across the board, instead of simply the rapidly-fading Middle Class?

That might be what is coming in the future. That or bankruptcy.


Seen and heard department…

Good morning, Netizens…

Yesterday afternoon while engrossed in a series of mundane tasks, my own beloved wife became snarled up in a police matter that left me laughing. A person whom I shall hereby refer to as “the tallywhacker wagger” was standing on a public street downtown during rush hour exposing himself and waving his appendage at people stopped at the street light, not to mention yelling obscenities and other diatribes at anyone willing to listen.When the light turned red, they had no choice but to observe his antics.

Being the only responsible member of my family, dear Wife called the Police Department and reported the miscreant, as it was obvious to her he was in need of professional help, if not more help than they could offer. However, who do you call when confronted with a tallywhacker wagger?

When the police called her back and asked her to come a few blocks away to identify the individual, she did so, later saying of the circumstances, “By then he had his clothes back on, but I was certain they had the right guy.”

My hunch is someone forgot to take their medication, but it made a good story nonetheless. My poor wife, who typically is unflappable, had been flapped, unfortunately.


He was just kidding…

Good morning, Netizens…

Today we feature a first taste of the satire of Bob Kirkpatrick, an old friend and ally, who has begun yet another humorous insight into Americana at http://yak.deludia.com that bears some careful introspection.

He will become a frequent-flier in the Virtual Ballroom in the coming days, as he is always a cut above being on-point, a very funny man, which is hard to do since he has multiple myeloma, a wretched form of cancer, but as always, is putting up a good fight. Talk about insight into the Veteran’s Administration, he has it!


Al Gore to Testify…

Good morning, Netizens…

Whether you ever liked Al Gore or not, whether you believe his message that Global Warming exists or is/is not a threat, you have to admit he does has a certain degree of perseverence. In this morning’s David Horsey cartoon, however, we are allowed to sense yet another advantage most of us might not have noticed.

With Al Gore heading for Capital Hill to testify on Global Warming, thus making all kinds of dire predictions possible, at least for awhile the news media will be ignoring the collapsing national economy. Who said Al Gore didn’t have a purpose anymore?


Porn Industry bailout—another view…

Good morning, Netizens…

Since we have the face of the porn industry itself, Hustler’s Larry Flynt, gracing the pages of Community Comment, but before anyone faints dead away, let us allow David Horsey to weigh in, if you please. I think we should have a show of hands of every member of government who regularly invests in pornography. (Looking at the chagrin on all the faces of our elected representatives and former representatives) Surprise surprise!

The only reason you see so many hands is because this is the Virtual Ballroom, and sometimes the ghosts of the ballroom get ecstatically involved in politics, sometimes with predictable results.

So the implications of this David Horsey cartoon are not that absurd at all.


A Warning to Hamas…

Good morning, Netizens…

In this morning’s David Horsey cartoon we see a hidden bit of truth. If you walk up to the biggest bully in the playground and punch him in the mouth, naturally he will hit you back with predictable results. You will end up on your back on the ground, and hardly anyone will fault the bully.

Hamas has been launching missiles at Israel for longer time than Israel has been responding. However, now that Israel has begun responding to the Hamas missiles raining down on their cities, it seems popular in some corners of the press to blame them for the resuilting chaos in Palestine. 

The moral of the story is don’t pick fights you cannot win.


Words out of the mouth of babes…

Good morning, Netizens…

Here’s a funny story passed onto me that I had not heard before. The late Art Linkletter used to get good mileage telling silly things that kids were quoted as saying, and I think this one certain applies.

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her:’Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sex, darling.’Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sex.    It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’


Attainable New Year’s Resolutions

Not only are these “attainable”, they’re also really funny. I think I’m going to adopt some of these as my New Year’s Resolutions… ;)

  • Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
  • Stop exercising. Waste of time.
  • Read less. Makes you think.
  • Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
  • Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
  • Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
  • Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
  • Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
  • Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
  • Not have eight children at once.
  • Get in a whole NEW rut!
  • Start being superstitious.
  • Personal goal: bring back disco.
  • Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
  • Buy an ‘83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
  • Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
  • Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
  • Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
  • Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
  • Not eat cloned meat.
  • Create loose ends.
  • Get more toys.
  • Get further in debt.
  • Not believe politicians.
  • Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
  • Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
  • Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
  • Stay off the International Space Station.
  • Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
  • Associate with even worse business clients.
  • Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
  • Wait around for opportunity.
  • Focus on the faults of others.
  • Mope about my faults.
  • Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

This “list” was found here.

Finding humor in a snowbank…

Good morning, Netizens…

Now that I have pilloried and castigated the our union Street Department, as is usually my rule, now I’m going to take an ironic look at this entire disaster called snow day 2008 and see if there is any comedic content to be taken from it.

My first candidate is the reference by both Mayor Verner and others to the “the city’s 967 miles of streets”. Oh, really? Was this done with a computer program, or not? I have visions of four harried city engineers armed with yardsticks last summer measuring each street for future snow events. Don’t laugh. I’ve seen stranger things happen with engineers, and I know more than a few.

I watched a neighbor’s three-legged dog navigating through through the snow earlier today totally convulsed in laughter. Most of the dogs I’ve seen over the last 24 hours hip-hopped through berms, keeping their heads above the snow, but in the long run, they didn’t do any better than the three-legged mutt. The only difference was the poor miniature schnauzer minus a rear leg completely disappeared each time he ended up in the deep snow. Then you’d see him re-emerge as he hopped upwards again, then disappear back into the two feet of snow. When he jumped the last time, he ending up on a section of the sidewalk which had been cleared from snow, he stood stock-still a moment, as if in shock. Then, shaking himself free of snow, he trotted nonchalantly on down the sidewalk as if it were an ordinary day and he owned the town.

Among the various combatant vehicles I have seen plowing through knee-deep snow on our street in valiant attempts to reach the main thoroughfares North or West of our community, perhaps the most amazing was the three-way vehicle. Some truly kind soul driving one of those huge Dodge four-wheel-drive pickup trucks chained up was proceeding in a stately manner down the street, and behind him were two small front-wheel-drive cars, daisy-chained to one another and attached to his rear bumper with a tow rope. In retrospect I thought it was probably illegal as could be, but then laughed when I realized that the police cars haven’t been able to negotiate side streets for several days, and thus these snow warriors were safe from prosecution. The last car in the ad hoc train was a Honda, which did a nice job of plowing a small furrow through the snow on the street. We cannot get snow plows or road graders to come down our street, and it is nearly 48 hours since it stopped snowing, so I give you the Hillyard answer: a Honda on a tow rope.

Two of my neighbors, a delightfully ambitious and very active pair of senior citizens, have a daily regimen they have followed since moving into the neighborhood. Each day, rain or shine, arm-in-arm, they take what they refer to as their constitutional walk around the block. While most of our neighborhood walkers have all but disappeared from the snowscape due to the depths of depravity that Mother Nature has bestowed on us, yesterday I saw them walking through the snow wearing what to my untutored eyes seems to be traditional Swiss Alpine gear, complete with snowshoes. She, of course, hails from Germany and Switzerland, and thus it didn’t seem the least to be out of the ordinary.

Anyone else able to find humor in our present cataclysm?