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Latest from The Spokesman-Review

Joker’s Open Letter To Matt Shea

Dear Matt Shea,

I’ve watched your political career from afar and let me say wholeheartedly, I am a huge fan. Unfortunately, I can’t vote for you because you’re living in the wrong state. This letter is an open invitation for you to move to Idaho. Bring your family. You can win any office in Idaho. You can be governor. Your opponent probably is going to be a guy named Raul. Seriously! We’ll even give you his address so you can take pictures of yourself standing in his driveway. You won’t be criticized, you’ll be celebrated. You can live among like-minded people. You don’t have to worry about explaining yourself to the lame stream media that is biased against patriots like yourself. Joker's complete open letter here.

Question: Could Washington state Rep. Matt Shea win office in North Idaho?

Joker’s Election Postmortem

Jeff Ward’s feeble attempt to explain what went wrong with the Coeur d’Alene School Board election and the Kootenai Health Board of Director election is eerily similar to Karl Rove’s exasperation after President Obama was re-elected. Ward was paid a nice chunk of money by the candidates and their supporters to win. Rove was paid an exorbitant amount of money to make sure Mitt Romney won. Neither paid political consultant were successful. The underlying reasons weren’t lies or some underground political activity.  The best candidates won. The Reagan Republicans got sloppy and arrogant. They mistakenly believed they could send anybody in front of the voters and walk away with a victory.  They foisted radical and unqualified candidates on the school board and it bit them in butt. More below.

Question: Will founders Ron Lahr and Jeff Ward of the Reagan Republicans be able to hold their star-struck followers together if they keep losing elections?

Joker: Thou Shalt Not Plan, Permit

Jesus gathered his disciples around his father’s workshop and picked up a fresh cut board, smelling the richness of the wood. “Today, I want to talk to you about a troublesome scourge that each one of you will face one day. As we build our homes, there will be those who will try and pull the nails from each plank. They will not use their arms or beast to destroy what you have created. No, they will use the devil’s tool box and you should know how to spot this evil.” The disciples gathered closely around Jesus. They were concerned. They gave worried looks and began to whisper amongst themselves. “Be not afraid. The devil will attempt to lure you into what’s called the permitting process. He will make you sign papers and make you pay fees to build. The entry into the Lord’s home is not through permits. You will also hear about zoning and comprehensive plans.” The audible gasp filled the workshop. More here.

Question: Do you think planning, zoning & comp plans are the spawn of the debbil?

Total Recall: Anger Management

Joker, tongue firmly cheeked, presents his latest (last?) episode of “Total Recall.” This is pure fiction. Any resemblance to real people or actual events is a coincidence: “I want you all to close your eyes and find a happy place,” Bernie told the group. “Imagine your best day. Find that feeling of satisfaction or achievement. Imagine you’re at the beach with your family.” Mary spoke first, yelling, “It’s not working! I am SOOOO ANGRY. I CAN’T STAND IT. Mike Kennedy and Sandi Bloem are spawns of the devil. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO STOP THEM.” Bernie, “That’s ok Mary. The point of this exercise is to find your center. Think about whatever makes you happy and hold it for 30 seconds.” Mary fumed quietly, clenching her fists into a ball until the nails drew blood. Tears ran down her face. The room was silent for 15 seconds when suddenly Frank bellowed, “I am not even sure why I am here. This is a joke right?” More here.

Question: Have you enjoyed Joker's Recall series?

Total Recall: Sweat Shop City

The Joker offers the latest version of “Total Recall” (The following scenario is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real people or actual events is purely coincidental): The county clerk’s office was busier than usual and the air conditioning wasn’t working. Nancy stared at her computer screen intently. The glare of the screen was beginning to hurt her eyes. It was day four of verifying signatures. The work was tedious and boring. She looked up at the giant digital clock, which was counting down. Over 80 hours left until 4:30 p.m. June 19th. She wondered how in the world they were going to make it. The recall signature lists were a mess. Looking at poorly written signatures for days on end seemingly caused her vision to deteriorate. Cliff entered the room and began passing out bottles of water. “Keep the good work people. I know it’s hard, but you’re doing a great job. Keep it going.” Nancy smiled and took a few minutes to savor the water. It was cold and crisp. The clerk’s office door swung open and Nancy’s smiled disappeared. It was Mary and her entourage. More here.

Thoughts?

Total Recall: Copier Blues

The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real people or actual events is purely coincidental.

Frank and Bill arrived at city hall this morning. Each had a black brief case handcuffed to their left wrist. Susan, the city clerk, greeted them with smiles. “Well, good morning gentleman. Are you ready to look at our copy machine? Bill spoke first. “Yes. My glasses have an optical camera on the frame. We’re broadcasting back to our recall offices right now. So don’t try any funny business. Everybody is watching.” Susan slightly startled showed them back to the copier area, “Here it is. Some of the gals call her, Bessy. She’s only two years old.” Frank moved forward and examined the outside of the machine, “Wow. A Canon Color MF9000. That’s a pretty good model.” Bill disagreed. “The factory had some issues with toner carriers. They can slip if the machine hasn’t been maintained properly.” More here.

Thoughts?

Joker: Let’s Settle This WWE Style

Joker: Can’t we just solve this (recall/McEuen flap) WWE style and have an six-person tag match in a steel cage? Imagine the revenues it would generate. I see Mad Mary Souza trying to give Sandi “Lookn’ Fierce” Bloem a pile driver only to be blocked by Chicago Mike’s vicious clothesline off the top rope. Then Mary uses a hidden tape in her tights to knock Chicago Mike out. Bloem uses the McEuen Ruin, a choke slam to put Mad Mary out of commission. Frank Orzell uses his patented “Get off my lawn” body slam on Woody McEvers, but the Woodman recovers to apply his special sleeper hold called the “Doobie do” and Frank is sleeping like a baby. Woody is disqualified when he leaves the cage to get a snack. Meanwhile, Kathy Sims is using her URL claw, which cuts off blood to the brain on Bloem. It looks bad for Bloem when Deanna Goodlander, aka the Legendary Lee, uses an amazing submission hold called the Tubbs Hill leg breaker, forcing Sims to submit. What a match … Pay per view revenues. The possibilities are endless.

Question: Who would win a tag team match featuring Bloem-Kennedy-Goodlander on one side & Souza-Orzell-Sims on the other?

Joker RE: Post-Apocalypse CdA

Joker paints a bleak future for DFO after Mary Souza and OpenCDA.com seize control of Coeur d'Alene City Hall and Steve Adams is mayor: The cell didn’t have any windows and the metal floor made Dave’s back ache. The lights in the cell would flicker on and off. “Fight the power…” bounced off the steel walls as the Public Enemy roared from a speaker built into the ceiling. When the music stopped, he could he faint screams from the other prisoners in the camp. Then the door opened, a small portable TV with DVD was rolled into the cell by two elderly men wearing theater masks. One of the old guys plugged the unit into the set. The screen flickered. Mary Souza appeared. “Hello. Welcome to the Corrupt Alene education center. We will teach you why your government is whorehouse. We will show you how LCDC is a socialist organization led by evil people. When you leave, or rather, if you leave. You will have the knowledge to make a difference. This is the beginning.” The men removed the TV and left. In the door way, a tall muscular man with a billy club sneered, “Get up. I am your huckleberry now.”

Question: Feel free to join in on the possible post-Bloem apocalypse?

Joker: How Spencer Will Win

HucksOnline asked you Merry Hucksters to paint a scenario in which Larry Spencer could win a Kootenai County commissioner seat — and Joker responded with this scenario:

“It was a dark and stormy night. A dark blue Mercedes parks in front of a warehouse off of Government Way. Bob Seger’s Night Moves” is playing loudly and Larry Spencer smiles. Outside the warehouse he sees a flashlight turn on and off. It’s time. He turns off the engine and get out. With each step toward the man with the flashligh, the gravel crunches under his boots. The man, a local private eye, hands him a DVD. “It’s all there man,” the private eye says. “Turned my stomach.” Larry starts to giggle, “I know. I know. I can’t wait.” More below.

Question: Can Spencer win?

Joker Offers Snedaker Tape

Joker (re: MikeK stunned by caustic remarks): Ok, The verdict is in: Guilty of Rude behavior unbecoming a private citizen. I watched video. Susie’s remarks are brief. She interupts herself while she was making an interesting suggestion with a rude comment. She made a bit of face too, kind of sighs in exasperation. There are some chuckles in the audience after she made her snarky statement about the council listening to her. Here’s the link. Go to the 68 minute mark (by moving slider) to hear her testimony.

Reaction?

LCDC Covers AC-DC Songs w/Twist

Imagine if LCDC actually covered ACDC songs with their own Coeur d’Alene twist. Here’s the first album with 12 tracks:

Back in Financial Black
You taxed me all night long
Dirty Deeds Done for Dirt but not Cheap
It’s a Long way to the Top of Parkside Tower
Whole Lotta Mary
Who taxed Who
Cover you in Snake Oil
Downpayment Blues
For those about to Kroc (We tax you).
Tony Berns Big Balls
Increment Financing to thrill
Highway to McEuen Hell

Joker

Joker: McEuen Field Web Site Sucks

Joker: Ok, I just went to the city's McEuen Field Web site here.  In my opinion, the web site stinks. It's difficult to navigate and the conceptual draws are nice, but you can't read the fine print on them. Not nearing enough explanation on the whole plan. Seems like if they're rolling out the plan tonight, they'd have an awesome web site already in place so people can do some homework tonight. Frustrating to say the least.

Question: What do you think of the city's McEuen Field Web site?