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Programming one-liners

I hope you weren't expecting actual programming one-liners (Python, SED, AWK, PERL, Ruby), were you? Presenting the best programming one-liner JOKES I could find (compiled from the Stack Overflow thread):

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Java: write once, debug everywhere.

How many IT Support reps does it take to change a lightbulb? Have you tried turning it off and on?

If you listen to a UNIX shell, can you hear the C?

Why don't jokes work in octal? Because 7 10 11.

Three programmers walk into a bar. The first programmer holds up two fingers and says “Three beers”.

Why are assembly programmers always soaking wet? They work below C-level.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.

Hardware: The part of a computer that you can kick.

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, “May I join you?”

Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.

If only dead people can read hex, how many people can read hex?

To understand what recursion is, first you must understand recursion.

Child: Dad, why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west? Dad: Son, it's working, don't touch.

Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that!

The C language combines all the power of assembly language with all the ease-of-use of assembly language.

I � Unicode.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

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Have a stupid programming one-liner to add?

Learn how to program with MOOCs

You should learn how to program.

Right now, more than any time in history, learning how to program is easy. In the ye olden times (1960s-1990s), programming was relagated to über nerds and scientists, but with the advent of MOOCs, almost anyone can learn right from home.

(Thanks to Nerissa Kresge of Glover Middle School for reminding me of this video!)

Steps in learning how to program

Step 1: Learn how to Google things. Seriously, do a Google search for MOOC, then do a Google search on some of the results. (I'll pretend you're doing that now.)

Step 2: Sign up for one or more of the MOOCs.

Step 3: Go through all of the course material of your MOOC, and don't cheat. Just do it. Then do another one. If you still haven't figured it out, do another one.

Step 4: Profit!

I particularly recommend the following resources:

Some are free, some are not, all are worth it. I keep telling people this, and no one has yet taken me up on this offer, but if you were to dedicate yourself to learning you'd be able to get it done within a year.

If you were to learn Python or Ruby or become a Javascript guru, you'd be able to make $40-50k to start, and work your way up to $70-90k. If you were to learn Objective-C, which is used to program iOS and OSX devices, you could practically start signing your own checks.

No PHD, Master's, or BS degree required, no student loans to pay back, no major infrastructure investments (other than a decent computer). If you're interested, what do you have to lose?

My recommendation? Just do it.