Doug Clark: Zag meter measures your holler and zeal
How much do you love the Zags?
Oh, sure. You talk big. You’ve been known to hoot and holler during games and even heave the occasional heavy object through the TV after a bum call.
But everyone knows there is no scientific way to precisely measure a person’s basketball affection.
Or ( cue the dramatic organ music) is there?
Just in time for this afternoon’s game with Southern, I’ve come up with the following NCAA-approved quiz, which will determine your level of fandemonium.
Circle the answers that best suit you. At the end we will crunch the numbers and determine just where you fit on the GU love meter.
So let’s begin:
1. My most prized piece of Gonzaga hoops gear is my …
A. Red Zags hoodie. (1 Bulldog)
B. Pope Francis “We’re No. 1!” Jesuit bobblehead doll. (3 Bulldogs)
C. Restraining order for attempting to shower with the team. (5 Bulldogs)
2. It may be silly superstition, but to bring the Zags good luck I …
A. Rub my rabbit’s foot key chain. (1 Bulldog)
B. Don’t change my underwear between wins. (3 Bulldogs)
C. Kiss the St. Mark Few medal I wear around my neck. (5 Bulldogs)
3. To see the Zags make it to the Final Four I’d be willing to stoop so low I’d …
A. Shop naked at the Hamilton Safeway store. (1 Bulldog)
B. Lick the gutter at Sprague and Howard. (3 Bulldogs)
C. Become Facebook friends with Matt Shea. (5 Bulldogs)
4. Which best describes your emotional state during a Zags game?
A. In need of a hypnotist. (1 Bulldog)
B. In need of a psychiatrist. (3 Bulldogs)
C. In need of an exorcist. (5 Bulldogs)
5. Has being such a rabid Gonzaga fan spilled over into your home life?
A. A little bit. (1 Bulldog)
B. Quite a bit. (3 Bulldogs)
C. My three kids – Stockton, Morrison and Turiaf – should answer that. (5 Bulldogs)
6. When the news broke that Gonzaga had been voted the nation’s top men’s basketball team, I …
A. Jumped for joy. (1 Bulldog)
B. Felt the excitement trickling down my leg. (3 Bulldogs)
C. Spent the next several hours calling WSU fans and yelling, “Nyah, Nyah, NYAAAAHH!!!” into the phone. (5 Bulldogs)
7. Is it beyond the pale to imagine that little GU could actually win a national title?
A. Probably. (1 Bulldog)
B. Maybe. (3 Bulldogs)
C. Not if this damned voodoo doll I’ve been impaling works. (5 Bulldogs)
8. Who has carried the biggest load for the Zags this season?
A. Sam Dower. (1 Bulldog)
B. David Stockton. (3 Bulldogs)
C. Kelly Olynyk’s stylist. (5 Bulldogs)
9. When this turbulent season finally winds to an end, you’ll find me …
A. Wearing a grin. (1 Bulldog)
B. Wearing a grimace. (3 Bulldogs)
C. Wearing a straitjacket. (5 Bulldogs)
All right, let’s do some tabulating.
If you scored 19 Bulldogs or fewer, you are no Zags fan.
You don’t even deserve to watch today’s game.
Go downtown and wait outside the Satellite Diner. I’ll make a call. Pretty soon some very tall thugs from USC will show up to knock some sense into you.
If you scored between 19 and 41, you have a lot of work to do.
A perfect score of 45, however, means you are not just a crazy Zags fan.
You are Rupert Pupkin crazy and we bow before you.
This score also qualifies you for a free prescription of the tranquilizer of your choice at any Rite-Aid pharmacy.
Just show this column to the pharmacist and tell ’em, “Doug sent me.” Try to pop five or six pills before tipoff just to be safe.
Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or firstname.lastname@example.org.